


Losing You

by wayward_stranger



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, High School, M/M, Memory Loss, Sadness, crying nagisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-31 15:00:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6474913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayward_stranger/pseuds/wayward_stranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa knows that he doesn't have that much time left. His high school days are ending soon and he knows that his time with Rei is as well. He knows the he'll have to choose his own path after, but will Rei be in it?</p>
<p>Rei was always holding himself back around Nagisa. He wants to yell his feelings for him out loud. He wants him to always be at his side. He knows something's bothering Nagisa, but he doesn't know what to do. </p>
<p>When an accident happens that causes Nagisa to lose his memory, Rei is left in a desperate situation. Should he abandon all chances of taking back what was lost? Or should he rebuild what may have never been there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! So this is my first Free! fanfic. NagisaxRei is the best ship ever so I hope I do this good. Warning: It's about to get really sad later on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place a year after Haru and Makoto graduate so Rei, Nagisa and 2 other OCs are in the swim club.
> 
> The Iwatobi Swim Club has made it to Nationals and Nagisa is worried about whether or not they'll win the tournament.

**Nagisa**

Nagisa’s stomach started growling right before the race. Even after eating half a strawberry shortcake and a chocolate banana crepe for breakfast he was still hungry. He was hoping to at least eat some of the cookies he smuggled in his bag before the competition started but then Gou confiscated his bag once she saw the package in between his clothes.

“Rei-chan…” he whined as he trudged behind his friend. Both of them were already in their swimsuits and walking towards the waiting area where they would stay before the relay competition to starts. “Can’t I at least have an orange juice from the vending machine? It’s technically not food anyway and I’m hungry.”

“Definitely not,” Rei said in a strict tone before sitting on one of the benches in the room. “The rule is no eating 20 minutes before swimming. And besides, the competition will start in a few minutes. There won’t be enough time for you to get anything from the vending machine.”

“Come on… I’ll run really fast! Our other members aren’t even here yet. I still have time!” Nagisa pleaded.

Rei shook his head. “Just sit down Nagisa,” he sighed. Nagisa pouted and decided to give up arguing with Rei. He plopped down on the bench next to him with his arms crossed over his stomach. He now realized that he wasn’t actually hungry at the moment and the feeling he had in his stomach was due to nervousness. Ever since Haru and Makoto left the swim club last year, Nagisa and Rei worked hard to scrounge up new members to keep the club going. Luckily, they found 2 juniors who were willing to participate in the club. There was Izumi who was talented in the backstroke and Yuu who specialized in freestyle. The two of them were sitting on a bench near the door and Nagisa could clearly see how nervous they were. He wondered if they had butterflies in their stomach like he did.

Unlike Rei, Nagisa never doubted that the Iwatobi Swim Club would be able to make it to Nationals without Haru and Makoto. Izumi and Yuu were able to swim quite well and with the training that they had together, the new team improved their strength and competed in relays. Nagisa had been confident about them but after almost losing at the Regionals, he carried the feeling of doubt with him all the way to Nationals. That must have been where the butterflies came from.

“Nagisa…” Rei spoke.

“Are we about to start?” Nagisa asked, immediately lifting his head.

“Almost, but not quite,” he answered. “You seem to be nervous though.”

“Wow, you’re very observant Rei-chan,” Nagisa smiled grimly.

“Not at all, the way you were clutching your stomach didn’t make it seem like you were hungry at all,” he said and turned his head to him. “And you’ve been unbelievably quiet for a whole minute as well,” he added. Nagisa looked down. He was slightly glad that Rei noticed that much about him. After all, he had a crush on him ever since last year.

“So am I right or am I wrong?” Rei asked. He was now looking directly into Nagisa’s eyes. He shifted uncomfortably beside him.

“Rei-chan, you’re always right,” he teased slightly. But his voice was void of any humor.

“How come? You’ve never been nervous before competitions at all,” Rei said. Nagisa gave no answer and the silence made Rei’s gaze soften as he realized the reason why. “Is it because it’s National’s?”

“Yeah…” Nagisa murmured.

“Are you scared that we’ll lose?” Nagisa nodded. Rei smiled softly and looked away. “Well, I’m also pretty nervous right now.”

“Really? You seem as if nothing could bother you right now, Rei-chan,” Nagisa said. He really did look pretty calm but Nagisa noticed his hands balling together into fists as he continued.

“I feel like everyone’s relying on us to win. Gou, Amakata-sensei, and Goro-san. Even Haruka-senpai, Makoto-senpai, and Rin-senpai.”

“Also our families,” Nagisa added. He thought about his own parents who almost made him leave the swim club because of his poor grades. “And don’t forget the whole school.”

“Yeah, that too,” Rei gave a half-hearted chuckle. “And I don’t want all our hard training to go to waste either.”

“Especially Gou-chan’s training camp on a deserted island!”

“You do know that wasn’t a deserted island.”

“It seemed pretty deserted to me…” Nagisa pouted. Then he started to laugh which Rei soon did as well. The two of them going back to their usual banter lightened Nagisa’s mood somehow.

“At least you’re less nervous now,” Rei said.

“Mhmm… I’ve always been nervous before matches but I always chased it away with the thought that Haru-chan and Makoto-chan were swimming with us and they were great swimmers. I don’t doubt that Izumi-chan, Yuu-chan, and even you can help us pull through. I’ve also practiced enough for me to believe that I won’t fall behind in this competition,” Nagisa said. “But for this match, I guess I’m just nervous since it’s our very last one. I want it to be memorable, for all of us. Even if we don’t win first place. I just want everyone to feel like we did our best.”

Suddenly, a guy wearing an official’s uniform and carrying a clipboard walked into the waiting room. “Everyone, please line up per team. The relay match is about to start,” said the man.

“It’s time…” Rei said as he stood up. Their other teammates walked over to them and lined up with Izumi in front and Yuu in the back.

“Nagisa-senpai, Rei-senpai, Yuu, I want to apologize beforehand if my backstroke isn’t fast enough and the team lags behind because of it. I’m sorry,” Izumi said which he accompanied with a bow.

“Hey, hey. Why are you apologizing now? We haven’t even started yet,” Nagisa said.

“But senpai-“

“Izumi,” Nagisa interrupted. “Our team made it to National’s. And it isn’t because I was good or because Rei-chan was good or because Yuu-chan was good. It’s because we were all good at what we did. The other competitors may be as good as you or better than you but you being here must mean something.”

“Senpai…” Izumi and Yuu chorused.

“Nagisa, that was pretty cool,” Rei said.

“And besides, I think the real person we have to worry about here is Rei-chan,” Nagisa finished with a cheeky smile.

“Hey! I’m much better at swimming now!” Rei argued just as everyone else started laughing.

“We’re a team, okay Izumi?” Nagisa smiled.

“Yeah. Thanks senpai,” Izumi said gratefully. The official then signaled for the competitors to start walking to the pool. Nagisa started tucking his wavy, blonde hair into his swimming cap. ‘This is it,’ he thought. The butterflies in his stomach were gone and he was now filled with strong determination.

“Nagisa,” Rei said as he placed a hand on his shoulder. He felt a small tingle on his skin at the touch.

“What is it?” he asked and turned around.

“We’ll do this like we’ve always done it. We’ll swim with all our might as a team,” Rei said. His voice sounded stronger and edged with determination. ‘Did he always sound like this?’ Nagisa asked himself.

“It seems like you aren’t nervous now, Rei-chan,” Nagisa teased.

“No way. And also, what you said earlier made me remember something.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“The fact that it will be my turn in the relay after your lap. Even though you always get low grades in almost all of you subjects, I can be sure that you will reach our side before anyone else,” Rei said. Nagisa felt his face heat up and he flashed a grin to cover up the blush.

“Leave it to me, Rei-chan. I’ll make sure you get a good head start. You’re really gonna need it anyway.”

“Shut up!” Rei blushed. “But thanks anyway. I’ll be waiting for you,” he smiled. Nagisa nodded and turned back around. Izumi was already in the pool and holding onto the metal bar on the wall of the diving board. Nagisa flashed him a smile and a thumbs-up which he returned. He thought about what Rei had just said and felt his confidence surge at the words. ‘I must like that guy a lot,’ he thought as he put on his goggles.

‘Wait for me, Rei.’

…

The starting shot was fired.

Nagisa watched as Izumi sprang from the wall and dove into the water. After kicking a few times, he resurfaced and started moving his own arms. Izumi had passed about half of the other players and was currently in 4th place. “Alright. That’s a pretty good start,”Nagisa heard Rei comment behind him. Nagisa nodded and started cheering.

“Go Izumi! We believe in you!” he yelled. He heard Gou, Amakata-sensei, and Goro-san cheering from the stands as well. Izumi had already reached the opposite end and was now catching up to the other competitors. “Alright,” Nagisa said as he began to get ready for his part of the race. He pulled his swim cap down further to secure it and fastened his goggles around his head. Just as he was about to get into his diving position he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Nagisa…” Rei said.

“Don’t worry Rei. Izumi gave us a great head start, I’ll make sure you get one too,” Nagisa smiled as he turned around.

“Ah… uh. Yeah, thanks,” Rei stammered. Nagisa cocked his head slightly. It seemed as if Rei wanted to say something else but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“What is it?” he asked.

“N-nothing. Do your best out there,” Rei said as he stepped back.

“Okay! Leave it to me, Rei-chan!” Nagisa grinned and flashed a thumbs-up. Izumi was swimming closer and Nagisa got into position. Time seemed to slow down. It felt as if his senses were all sharpened as he became more aware of every single little detail around him. The tightness of the elastic swim cap and goggles around his skull. The droplets of water on the diving board underneath his feet. The reflection of the bright lights overhead on the water’s surface. The sound of Izumi’s splashing as he came nearer and nearer and nearer. Then, he dove.

The relay team had spent hours practicing the timing of their dives, and those hours definitely paid off. ‘This may be the best dive I’ve ever done,’ Nagisa thought as he broke through the surface of the water. Immediately, he began kicking his legs and moving his arms in a breast stroke. He couldn’t see any of the other players but he strongly hoped that he was pulling ahead. The water glided around his body and his arms cut smoothly as he kicked forward. If his senses were unbelievably activated a while ago when he was about to dive, now it was as if his mind blocked all feeling from the nerves in his body. His concentration was all focused on finishing that one lap and reaching Rei.

Once he kicked-off from the other side of pool, Nagisa began to swim faster. His arms extended farther and farther in front of him as his legs kicked faster. He remembered Makoto saying that he always swam faster during the last part of the lap. ‘This is it,’ he thought. ‘This is where my hours of training is amounting to. This is where everyone’s hard work throughout the year is going. Everyone else is counting on us, and the swim club is going to show that it was worth all the effort.’

As he neared the end of the pool, Nagisa looked up slightly in front of him as he resurfaced for breath. Sure enough, Rei was there, bent down in a diving position. ‘I’ll be waiting for you.’ Rei’s words echoed through his head and made Nagisa swim even faster. He felt as if his arms were about to break from the speed he was swimming. ‘If my arms do break I guess I’ll have to blame Rei-chan,’ he thought. He raised his head slightly again to look at him when he resurfaced for breath and saw that Rei was also looking in his direction. Miraculously, their eyes met for the briefest of moments but Nagisa immediately recognized the message Rei’s gaze sent him. ‘I believe in you,’ was what they seemed to say. Nagisa smiled. ‘I’m coming, Rei,’ he thought.

And with one last pull, Nagisa glided forward and planted both hands on the wall in front of him. He immediately looked upward to see Rei doing his dive. Time seemed to slow down as Nagisa watched Rei soaring in the air above him before hitting the water and swimming forward. Seeing his dive reminded Nagisa of the time when he first saw Rei at track practice. The way he ran forward with his arms pumping in the air. The kick of his legs as they launched him in the air. The way he twisted and bent his body as jumped over the bar. It all looked so…

“Beautiful,” Nagisa whispered as he continued to watch Rei swim forward. 

“Senpai, you need to get out of the water now,” Yuu said, leaning forward into the pool and offering his hand out to Nagisa.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, snapping back to reality. “Thanks Yuu,” he smiled, taking his junior’s hand and pulling himself out of the water. He looked back out to the pool and saw that Rei had quickly pulled ahead to second place.

“Senpai! You were swimming so fast! That was probably the fastest I’ve ever seen you,” Izumi exclaimed, holding both hands up in the air excitedly.

“Well of course,” Nagisa grinned. “It’s all because of Gou’s special training camp. And we’ve all been practicing really hard, haven’t we?”

“But still! You were the first one who reached the end!”

“Huh? Really?” Nagisa asked, surprised at his own achievement.

“Yeah!” Izumi and Yuu chorused.

“You were in second place until the very last moment when you did that one final stroke. In the end, you were the first one to touch the wall,” Yuu informed him.

Nagisa looked back to the pool where Rei was quickly catching up to first place. He smiled slightly. ‘Well, it seems like you’re a pretty good motivational speaker as well,’ Nagisa thought. He remembered the first relay tournament that the Iwatobi Swim Club did back when Haru and Makoto were still there. Rei’s butterfly stroke looked terrible back then, even Rin thought so. But he still pulled ahead for the team. He remembered the first time Rei tried to swim and him sinking despite having learned all the theories behind swimming. He remembered Rei putting his all into practicing that one stroke he knew how to do and then learning how to do the rest under Rin’s teaching. ‘He’s always been such a hard worker,’ Nagisa thought fondly. Rei was now halfway to the end and had pulled ahead to first place. Nagisa held a million memories of Rei but he could never remember when he fell in love with him.

“Go Rei-senpai! All the way to the end!” Izumi and Yuu cheered. Gou, Amakata-sensei, and Goro-san were also cheering like crazy from the stands. ‘This is bad. I’m supposed to be the one cheering the loudest for him,’ Nagisa thought. Smiling, he cupped his hands around his mouth and leaned slightly forward.

“Go Rei-chan!!!!!!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. Rei sped up more and pulled forward a good distance away from the other competitors. Izumi strapped his goggles on and got into diving position. Rei swam nearer and nearer until finally he reached the wall and Izumi sprang into the pool.

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa exclaimed as he looked down at Rei from the edge of the pool. He was panting and leaning against the wall with one arm planted on it. He removed his goggles and looked up at Nagisa.

“How did I do?” he asked.

Nagisa grinned and flashed a thumbs-up. “Awesome Rei-chan!! We were completely surprised!”

“What do you mean by that? You didn’t think that I would be able to swim that fast?” he asked, sounding slightly irritated as he pulled himself out of the pool.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Rei-chan,” Nagisa said. “I always knew you were pretty fast but I was surprised that you managed to reach the wall first.”

“I-I came in first?” Rei asked, sounding genuinely shocked.

“Yup!” Yuu nodded beside them. “It was really amazing.”

“W-well of course! I’ve been practicing pretty hard for this after all. I even read up on how to do a successful and fast butterfly stroke during a competition before bed,” Rei boasted.

“You liar, Rei-chan. You were tossing and turning in bed last night,” Nagisa frowned.

“Sh-shut up! I fell asleep and woke up again to read.”

“Senpai! Izumi is already heading back. And it seems he’s in first too!” Yuu called out, interrupting Rei and Nagisa’s banter.

“Whoa! He really is in first! Go Izumi!!” Nagisa cheered.

“But the other competitors are quickly catching up as well,” Rei observed.

“Less talking, more cheering Rei-chan,” Nagisa ordered. “Go Izumi! You can make it!” he continued yelling. Yuu and Rei joined in beside him as Izumi neared the wall. Nagisa’s mind quickly flashed back to the last time he had competed in Nationals. Haru was swimming the last lap along with Rin who was in the lane beside him. Nagisa had tears in his eyes as he screamed Haru’s name. He remembered being stunned for a while when he saw the name of their club flash next to the number one in the scoreboards. Then it was all yelling and laughing and cheering and smiling and hugging each other. He remembered being so happy that he felt like swimming another lap across the pool just so he could swim again with his friends. He had repeated that moment again and again in his head whenever he wanted to think of a happy moment. It always made him glad to think about it, but deep inside, he wanted to create that moment again.

‘Please,’ he thought as he continued to cheer. ‘Let me have that moment again!’ The one in second place behind Izumi was quickly pulling ahead but Izumi wasn’t ready to relinquish his spot just yet. “Go Izumi!!!” Nagisa screamed. And with one final stroke, he reached the wall. Nagisa immediately looked at the scoreboard.

‘Iwatobi Swim Club.’

That was the name that showed up right next to the number one. ‘Again…’ Nagisa said to himself. ‘It happened again. We…’

“We won!” Rei yelled as he threw his hands up in the air. Nagisa laughed as the whole team erupted into cheers. Yuu pulled everyone in a hug and Izumi pulled himself out of the pool to join in. Everyone laughed and put their arms around each other. Nagisa could feel the tears in his eyes and he saw that everyone else did too. His eyes found Rei’s and the two locked gazes. ‘We did it,’ Rei’s eyes seemed to say. Nagisa grinned and nodded back.

‘Thank you everyone,’ he thought. ‘I got to create that memory again with all of you.’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was the first chapter? Please let me know~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team celebrates after their victory and Nagisa and Rei have their alone time walking around the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Second chapter!! I actually have a lot more chapters saved on my laptop but I'll still upload once a week just in case school fucks me up and I don't get the chance to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoy~

**Nagisa**

“First I’ll have some crab rolls and then some pork katsudon with extra tonkatsu on top. Then maybe I’ll have some yakisoba with some dumplings, tempura, and then the banana split for dessert.”

“Senpai, that’s quite a lot of food…” Izumi deadpanned as he looked over at Nagisa sitting next to him at the counter. The stools there were so tall that his feet didn’t even reach the ground.

“Well of course I’m eating a lot,” Nagisa said as he swung his feet around in mid-air like a little kid would. “That’s because Rei-chan wouldn’t let me eat earlier,” he said with a pout and an accusatory glance at his friend sitting next to him.

“Like I said, the match was already starting soon so you weren’t supposed to eat,” Rei said as he straightened his glasses. “And besides, how could you be hungry when you had such a huge lunch and breakfast?”

“I get hungry when I’m nervous!”

“You’re always hungry, Nagisa,” Rei scoffed with a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Well we did win the competition so I guess splurging a little more wouldn’t hurt,” Yuu said in an attempt to end the argument between the two seniors.

“Yeah! Yuu’s right!” Nagisa agreed.

“’Splurging a little’ does not mean you have to eat enough food fit for 3 people!” Rei argued.

“I just have a big appetite!”

“Big appetite is an understatement! You have an inhuman appetite!”

“That’s mean Rei-chan!”

“Hey! Are you all going to order or what??!!” yelled the chef who had been waiting 5 minutes to take their order. Nagisa and Rei both shrank behind the menus they were holding up.

“I’ll have the miso ramen with sliced pork,” Rei said quietly.

“That’s all for us. Thank you very much, sir,” Nagisa added. The chef grunted and walked back into the kitchen to start making their food.

“You guys were almost murdered back there. Be more careful next time you two,” Yuu said once the chef was out of earshot.

“Hehe, sorry about that, Yuu-chan,” Nagisa smiled sheepishly.

“He’s like the team’s mother?” Izumi joked, earning a nudge in the ribs from Yuu.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Nagisa agreed. “Yuu-chan’s the most mature one on our team!”

“You’re the only immature one in our team, Nagisa,” Rei said with a roll of his eyes. Izumi and Yuu both nodded in agreement.

“But, Nagisa-senpai was also the one who cheered me up back there when I was feeling nervous,” Izumi confessed. “It helped me a lot too. Thanks senpai,” he smiled.

“Yeah,” Yuu nodded in agreement. “Having Nagisa-senpai around is like having a whole cheering squad as loud as Samezuka’s.”

“Guys…” Nagisa smiled in affection for his teammates.

“A loud, hyperactive, annoying cheering squad,” Rei muttered.

“Hey!” Nagisa pouted.

“But…” Rei continued, staring intently at his glass of water. “You did pull through in the end. I wouldn’t have reached the end first if it wasn’t for you.”

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa gushed. “You do have a heart!”

“Sh-shut up!” Rei stammered as he downed his glass of water. Nagisa continued to smile at him, trying to convince himself that the slight tinge of pink on the other boy’s cheeks was just his own imagination. ‘Well, this turned out to be a pretty good day after all. Considering how nervous I was after all,’ Nagisa thought as he slid his eyes over to Rei who was once again buried in a book. He held his book in his right while keeping his red glasses steady using his left one. ‘You’ve been a really big help to me too, Rei,’ he thought as he studied the surface of the counter in front of him. ‘I just wish I was brave enough to tell you…’

“Here’s your food!” Nagisa jumped slightly in his seat and looked up to see a petite, brown-haired waitress standing in front of them with a tray in her hand laden with food. He was slightly happy that it wasn’t the grumpy chef who was delivering their food.

“Alright!” Izumi cheered as he broke his chopsticks in half. “Thank you for the food!” he said before digging into his ramen.

“Here’s your chopsticks, Nagisa,” Rei said, handing over a pair of chopsticks to him.

“Thanks, Rei-chan!” Nagisa grinned as he broke his chopsticks in half. “Thank you for the food!”

…

“I really can’t believe you ate all that food, Nagisa-senpai,” Izumi remarked as they walked away from the restaurant.

“See? I told you I could eat all of it,” Nagisa grinned as he patted his full stomach.

“Even after knowing you for two years, your appetite is still quite amazing,” Rei added.

“I might even have some taiyaki later!”

“Senpai… that should be enough food for one night already…” Yuu deadpanned.

“Knowing Nagisa, he’ll probably still be hungry for two taiyakis later and be able to eat a full breakfast tomorrow morning,” Rei muttered as the four of them neared the hotel they were staying in.

“Well, I’m already tired so I’m gonna hit the sack already,” Izumi said as he yawned and stretched.

“Me too. I barely got any sleep last night, I was too nervous,” Yuu agreed.

“Aww… really? I’m still pretty awake,” Nagisa said. “Maybe I’ll walk around for a bit then before sleeping. I haven’t been to the city in a while.”

“I-I’ll join you too,” Rei blurted out.

“Really? I thought you’d be pretty tired right now. Are you sure you don’t want to sleep yet?” Nagisa asked. Part of him was secretly hoping that Rei would just go off to bed but another part of him was thrilled at the idea of spending a night in the city with him.

“I’m not that tired…” Rei argued. “And besides, you’ll probably forget your way back to the hotel and get lost.”

“Aww… Rei-chan really does care,” Nagisa teased. He noticed Izumi and Yuu exchange knowing glances and grinning as if sharing an inside joke.

“It’s just that it’s going to be more troublesome if we have to look for Nagisa in this city,” Rei flushed. “It’s pretty huge you know, with a population of about-“

“Alright, we understand,” Yuu interrupted. “The city is pretty easy to get lost in.”

“Come back safely Nagisa-senpai and Rei-senpai,” Izumi waved before the two of them went into the hotel leaving Nagisa and Rei alone.

“Well, it’s just the two of us then,” Nagisa grinned, attempting to break the awkwardness.

“Y-yeah,” Rei mumbled. “Where do you want to go?”

“Maybe just around this area or to the park nearby,” Nagisa answered as he started walking. Rei matched his pace beside him. Both of them were quiet and Nagisa could feel his heart fluttering inside of him. ‘I’m alone with Rei. I’m alone with Rei,’ his mind repeated. That wasn’t very new to him, though. After all, they took the train going to school and going home together. Sometimes they studied together in Rei’s house or went to a convenience store.

‘But this time is different,’ Nagisa said to himself. He always knew what would happen whenever they were alone together before. Most of the time they’d argue about the most useless things or just talk about swimming. Nagisa was fine with it, comfortable even. Talking with Rei everyday was part of his usual routine. But now they were alone and walking together in a city that Nagisa had barely visited. Anything could happen.

“You’re awfully quiet again,” Rei observed. “What are you nervous about this time?”

Nagisa smiled grimly to himself. “Damn Rei and his observation skills!’ he mentally screamed even though he was also sort of happy that Rei was able to notice such a thing. “I’m not n-nervous,” he answered, trying not to stammer as much as possible but obviously failing. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”

“Oh, I see…” Rei said, clearly unconvinced with Nagisa’s explanation but choosing not to press further. He mentally thanked him for that. The silence resumed as they kept on walking. The two of them were in the park now but only a small number of people were walking around, most of them were couples. Walking around while holding hands, sitting on the park benches; admiring the cherry blossoms that had yet to bloom. Nagisa soon felt self-conscious about all the couples around him and Rei so he desperately racked his brains for a topic to talk about.

“We won Nationals again, huh?” he spoke out loud.

“Yeah…” Rei breathed out with a slight smile on his face. Nagisa liked that smile. The corners of his mouth were turned up only a little bit but his eyes were warm and did most of the work. Most of the time, it came out whenever they talked about the swim club last year with Haru, Makoto, and Rin. Nagisa felt a little proud to have brought out that smile.

“Gou-chan and Amakata-sensei were crying like crazy when we all got together after the match,” Nagisa laughed.

“It wasn’t only them. I saw Goro-san crying a little bit as well,” Rei chuckled. “I’m glad we made them that happy, after all the hard work they put in to help our team out.”

“Yeah…” Nagisa agreed. “I bet my parents will be happy too. Maybe they’ll finally stop bugging me about my grades so much.”

“You should still worry about them, you know? You’re Math grade is below average.”

“Well we have plenty of time to work on that!” Nagisa grinned as he stretched his arms behind his head. “After all… today was our last swim. We don’t have to worry about new tournaments or any of that stuff anymore,” he said sadly, letting his arms drop to his sides.

“Yeah,” Rei agreed. “We’ll have to focus on our career paths and applying for colleges soon. Have you thought about any, Nagisa?”

“Me? I’ll probably just go to a college that’s pretty near…” Nagisa said, looking down at the cement pavement he was walking on.

“I still don’t know where to go.”

“Well with your grades Rei-chan, you can get anywhere!” Nagisa exclaimed. “With my grades, I’ll be lucky if I even manage to get into a college…” he laughed half-heartedly.

“If you work hard, I’m sure you’ll manage to get into a good college as well,” Rei said, giving Nagisa a concerned look.

“But what do I do once I get there, Rei?” he murmured, looking Rei straight in the eye this time. “I’m not even sure what I even want to do. Before today, all I ever wanted was to swim and win Nationals together with you guys. I never even thought about what was going to happen beyond that.” He looked up at Rei and smiled. “I guess I really am pretty stupid.”

“Nagisa, even though you are pretty stupid, I don’t blame you for thinking that way.” Rei sighed and looked up at the sky. “It sometimes feels like you’re going to fast, right? I just wish that I could pause everything for a moment and think things through.”

“Yeah. I know how much you hate hurtling into things without a plan,” Nagisa grinned.

“I don’t do that too much now,” Rei protested. “But I guess that’s how life is. Just one big, unplanned experience.”

“Well, do _you_ know what you want to do?” Nagisa asked.

“Me? Well, I guess I want to get into a school that does a lot of science and experimenting. Maybe I could major in chemistry or molecular physics.”

“That sounds like a lot of Math…” groaned Nagisa.

“And science too,” Rei added. “But… I know that I want to continue swimming too. Maybe I’ll even fully master how to do the other strokes as well.”

“Oh no! What if you’re practicing your strokes alone and no one’s there to catch you and you end up drowning from not being able to swim!” Nagisa cried.

“Shut up! I’m not that bad at swimming anymore!” Rei argued.

“But last week you were practicing your freestyle and you almost drowned.”

“Then you’ll have to come to the same college as me then!” Rei blurted out before suddenly turning red and clapping a hand on his mouth. Nagisa felt his cheeks turn red as well.

“I-I mean, if you want to, anyway…” Rei stammered. “But there’ll probably be a bunch of other people there too so somebody will probably come just in case I drown. If I do drown that is…”

“Y-yeah,” Nagisa nodded. “But it would be great though, if I do manage to get in. We can still swim together on a college team!” he grinned. Rei broke out into a smile as well.

“Geez, you haven’t even chosen your major yet and you’ve already decided to come with me to college just for swimming.”

“At least I have an inkling on what I want to do for college!” Nagisa protested. “Maybe I’ll study to become a pastry chef! That way I can bake my own desserts!”

“It’s much harder than that! Becoming a pastry chef isn’t all that easy.”

“But I can do it if I try hard, right?”

“You’ll probably be too busy cramming your face with sweets.”

“No I won’t! I’ll actually work for it!” Nagisa exclaimed.

“Suit yourself then,” Rei sighed and looked at his watch. “We should probably get back to the hotel. It’s pretty late now.”

“Ah! You’re right!” Nagisa said in surprise as he looked at his own watch. “Wait, which direction was the hotel again?”

“I knew you were gonna get lost. Over here, follow me.”

“Great! You’re amazing Rei-chan!” Nagisa grinned as he started following Rei home. The taller boy walked ahead of him and Nagisa stared at the back of his head as he walked. ‘You really do manage to make me feel better,’ he thought. ‘I just hope that our own plan will come true, even if you did say that life is a whole, unplanned experience.’

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa and Rei discuss alternate universes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is coming soon...

**Rei**

‘There’s a high chance that there will be a lot of cherry blossoms this spring,’ Rei observed as he looked out the window. Outside, the soon-to-bloom cherry blossom buds decorated almost every tree branch in the schoolyard. Rei sighed and looked back at his desk where his career sheet lay before him. It was already filled out with the specifications of which university Rei wanted to apply to and what career he wanted to pursue. He should be handing it in already but something was still eating at him. ‘What did Nagisa put on his?’

It had already been a week since the Iwatobi Swim Club won Nationals. Rei remembered the exhilaration he felt as he swam with all his strength in order to reach the other side. The look on all his teammates’ faces and the deafening sound of people cheering all around him. He had always been confident in his team and their individual skills but a part of him felt that winning Nationals again for the second time in a row may be too much to ask for. But it wasn’t and it did happen.

Rei could barely sleep on the night before the tournament. He just lay awake on his bed with his own mind raced with thoughts of worst-case scenarios. He could get a cramp in his leg while he was in the middle of swimming his lap. He could accidentally kick-off from the diving board too early and get disqualified. Or his goggles could slip off again while he was swimming.

Finally, he turned to his side to see if Nagisa was still awake on the twin bed beside him. The shorter boy was deep in sleep, his head and body facing Rei so he had full view of his face. He couldn’t help but crack a smile when he saw Nagisa’s mouth all wide open with drool dripping on his pillow. One of his arms hung off the side of the bed and his hair was a mess of blonde curls. Rei stared at the arm hanging limply over the side of the bed and resisted the urge to grab hold of his hand but instead held himself back.

He always held himself back whenever he was around Nagisa. He held himself back from running a hand through his hair. He held himself back from taking his smaller hand in his. He held himself back from planting a kiss on his forehead, cheek, and lips. If Rei stopped resisting he’d probably wrap Nagisa in his arms and bury his head in all that he was. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to ruin the precious friendship that they had, even if it meant that it will probably be the only thing he’ll ever have with him.

‘Why am I even in love with that idiot?’ Rei thought as he tapped his pencil angrily against the desk. Nagisa was the exact opposite of him. He was loud and annoying. He had no sense of personal space or privacy. He was immature and always pestered Rei to copy his homework. He always ate way too many sweets no matter how many times Gou reminded him to eat proper food. “I always brush my teeth anyway,” he’d say. He had the stupidest and craziest ideas that drove Rei crazy.

But no one else could make him do anything crazy and stupid like Nagisa could. Rei always thought of himself as a smart and independent person who made good decisions. Before trying anything out, he always did his research or read up on it. He never jumped to conclusions or did anything rash. But with one grin from Nagisa, Rei would slide down the banister of a staircase in his swimsuit. If he was the dark, peaceful night sky, Nagisa was the crazy firecracker that fills it with color and light. Rei sighed and lay his head on his desk.

‘I guess I’m the real idiot here.’

…

“Hey Rei-chan! Rei-chaaaannnnn!”

“H-Huh?” Rei answered as he suddenly sat up. He looked around to see Nagisa standing in front of his desk. Slowly, he realized that he had actually fallen asleep on his desk and that all his classmates had left him.

“Your career sheet thingy is stuck on your forehead,” Nagisa said, pointing at his face. Laughing, he peeled it off and handed it to him. “I had to call your name five times to wake you up. Did you have a good sleep?”

“I guess I was pretty tired,” Rei sighed, rubbing his face with his right hand. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he grinned. “Let’s go home already.”

“Yeah,” Rei nodded as he stood up and began gathering his things before following Nagisa out the door.

“You can buy me a strawberry milk popsicle later though, as an apology,” he added.

“Fine,” Rei grudgingly agreed, knowing that Nagisa wasn’t going to let him off as easily as he originally thought. He always took every opportunity to get Rei to buy him food. The shorter boy turned around and flashed him smile before skipping ahead down the hallway. “I’ll probably even by you a hundred strawberry milk popsicles if you flashed that stupid smile of yours,” he grumbled to himself.

“You’re too slow Rei-chan!” Nagisa yelled.

“I’m coming!” he replied as he walked faster to catch up to him, a slight smile spreading on his lips.

…

“In a parallel universe, do you think chickens would wake up to the screams of human beings?” Nagisa suddenly asked. Rei looked up from the book he was reading. They were seated beside each other on the train and Rei was reading to distract himself from Nagisa. He always complained whenever he did that and found different ways to pester Rei throughout the ride home.

“What kind of a question is that?” he said, exasperated by the dumb question which was only one of many he had heard while riding on a train with Nagisa.

“It’s a curious thought,” the shorter boy replied.

“That’s one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard,” Rei deadpanned, returning to his book.

“Hey! Rei-chan, that’s rude!” Nagisa pouted. “Besides, you already said that yesterday when I asked you about how penguins would look like if they could dance.”

“Well this question is a hundred times dumber than the last question.”

“But do you think parallel universes would exist?”

“Parallel universes?” Rei mused, putting his book down on his lap.

“Yeah.”

“Hmmm…” Rei began pushing his glasses up his nose as he began to think. It became a habit of his whenever he was trying to figure something out or thinking of a question. “Well, we don’t know the boundaries of our own universe so there is a possibility that a parallel universe would exist. There may even be multiple alternate universes. Maybe even an infinite number.”

“So, would we still exist in another universe?” Nagisa asked.

“Well, I think that the other universes would be a copy of our own universe, but with slight alterations. The people in another universe could be slightly different from the people in our own universe. Certain events could also be different among universes,” Rei explained. “Of course no real evidence has been uncovered on the existence of these universes so what I believe could be wrong.”

“Slightly different events, huh?” Nagisa muttered to himself. Rei looked over at him curiously. He crossed his arms in front of him and got into his own thinking pose which he found highly endearing. Suddenly, Nagisa’s face broke out into a smile, the smile that Rei liked to think of as his favorite. It wasn’t like one of the big smiles that stretched across his face. He usually wore those when he was excited or happy. It was more of a soft, but genuine smile. The kind that Nagisa had when he thought of something that amused him, even though he didn’t say what that thing was out loud. It was pretty rare for Rei to see that kind of smile since Nagisa always said what he thought out loud, especially if he found it amusing.

“I see…” Nagisa said softly.

“What?” Rei asked, eyeing the boy curiously. He looked up at him and quickly flashed a cheeky grin.

“I was just thinking that it might be possible for a really dumb version of Rei to exist in an alternate universe.” Rei’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the comment.

“Oh yeah? Then there may be an alternate universe too wherein you’re an antisocial nerd who loves math.”

“No!! That means I’ll be like you Rei-chan!!”         

“At least I don’t ask dumb questions about chickens in parallel universes!” Rei argued and went back to ignoring Nagisa with his book.

…

**Nagisa**

“I’m home!” Nagisa called out as he entered his house and took off his shoes by the door.

“Welcome home!” he heard his mom answer. He put down his school bag by the couch and entered the kitchen where his mom was chopping up onions on a counter.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked. His stomach was already grumbling even after the strawberry milk popsicle that Rei gave him.

“We’re having omelet rice,” his mom answered, looking up from what she was chopping. “Your father is still at work, though so we’ll just set aside a portion for him.”

“Yay! I’ll help out!” Nagisa volunteered. He began cracking open the eggs one by one in a bowl and then using a fork to scramble them up. Ever since he was little, Nagisa had always helped his mother out with the cooking and even baked once in a while. He was pretty good at cooking but since he could never wake up early enough for the train, he chose to buy his lunch in school. And because of the fact that the cream sandwiches there were way better than any lunch he could make. His mother watched him as he poured the beaten eggs into the heated pan before putting the fillings inside.

“Nagisa…” she began.

“Yeah?”

“Have you decided on which college you’re going to go to?” she asked. Nagisa froze slightly at her words and then went back to filling the omelet as if nothing much had happened.

“Mmmm… almost…” he said vaguely, avoiding looking at his mother.

“Nagisa, you have to start thinking about this already. Have you received your career sheet already?”

“Yeah but, I don’t really know what to put in it. I’ll make sure to think of something, okay?” Nagisa said, flashing her a reassuring smile before going back to the omelet.

“You can’t just ‘think’ about what you’re going to be doing in your life, Nagisa. It’s your future, we need to plan for it,” she said, sounding exasperated.

“Sorry, mom,” he mumbled.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow, when your father comes home early,” his mother said. Nagisa nodded. “In the meantime, please fill out your career sheet. At least put in the colleges that you’re thinking of applying to.”

“Yes, mom.” Nagisa bit his lip and looked down. The omelet was already cooked but he was no longer hungry.

…

The career sheet lay empty unanswered on the desk in front of him. Nagisa tapped his pencil against the white paper leaving small pencil marks on the surface. “Ahhhh. How am I gonna answer this?” he groaned and let his head hit the desk. He wished that Rei was beside him and that the career sheet was nothing but a worksheet with questions that his friend could help him answer. His mother’s words from earlier echoed through his head. Of course he knew that his own future needed planning and everything, he wasn’t that dumb. He was just too scared to decide.

Rei had already filled out his own career sheet. Nagisa took a peek at it before giving it back and saw what universities he was planning to apply to. They were all top schools in the country and extremely hard to get in. ‘Unless you’re someone like Rei-chan,’ Nagisa thought. Smart people who knew what to do with their own future had a chance to get in. People like Nagisa were better off not applying at all.

He recalled the conversation he had with Rei on the night after they won Nationals. Nagisa was completely surprised and caught off-guard when he had asked him, indirectly, to go to the same college as him. The only reason why Nagisa agreed and came up with his answer was because of how happy he was at what Rei said that he didn’t even bother to think about the chances of that happening.

‘What an impossible request, Rei-chan,’ Nagisa smiled grimly. There was no way he could get into one of those universities even if he did study pretty hard. Being with Rei and maybe even joining a swim team in college was all that he wanted at the moment. But in the state that he was in, it was practically impossible. He hadn’t even told him how he felt yet, and he was running out of time.

His mind flashed back to his conversation with Rei earlier in the train about alternate universes. The idea of it somehow comforted Nagisa. He remembered thinking about Rei’s explanation on alternate universes and how one universe was slightly different than the one he had. ‘If alternate universes were real, then there’s probably a whole bunch of other Nagisa’s out there whose lives are different from my own,’ he remembered thinking. The thought of it comforted him slightly. ‘That means that in another universe, somewhere out there, Rei and I are together.’

Nagisa gripped his pencil tightly in his hand, finally deciding on what he should do. In the box that required him to list down the colleges he was thinking of applying to, he wrote down the names of universities within his area. ‘If they have a swimming team then even better,’ he thought. Then, he wrote down ‘Liberal Arts’ as his major. The last box that he had to fill was the one that asked what career he would like to pursue. ‘I’ll just leave that blank for now,’ Nagisa said to himself.

He put down his pencil and tucked the career sheet in his bag. Filling out the sheet was mentally draining to him and Nagisa felt exhaustion starting to settle in. He turned off the light and began to settle down in his bed. ‘I didn’t apply to any of the universities Rei chose,’ he thought sadly, rolling over to his side to stare at a wall. But it was probably for the best.

There was no more turning back. After high school, he wouldn’t be able to see Rei every day anymore. He wouldn’t jog to school with him or ride the train back home. He wouldn’t be able to beg him to buy snacks anymore. They won’t attend the same swimming practice sessions either. Nagisa clutched the sheets tightly in his fist. Tears sprang into his eyes and quickly began to fall on the pillow under his head. He couldn’t imagine having to go through school every day without Rei being near him. He needed Rei to be there, he was his support. Without him, Nagisa was a nervous wreck with a fake smile on his face.

Nagisa covered his eyes with his arm and let the warm, salty tears roll down his face. He tried not to think about what else was going to happen after that. Rei would probably meet someone new while he was in college. A nice, smart girl perhaps. He’ll introduce her to Nagisa who’ll pretend to be happy and cheerful while his own heart was breaking. Then, Rei will live a good and successful life and probably have his own family while Nagisa will be trying to pick up the broken pieces of a one-sided relationship.

‘At least,’ he thought, wiping away the tears from his eyes. ‘At least I can be with you, Rei. Maybe not in this universe but in another one.’ He smiled a shaky smile at the thought.

‘That should be enough.’                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I have no idea where the chicken question came from it just popped out in my head. It's an interesting thought though...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei notices how strange Nagisa is acting and decides to ask him about his career sheet. But the answer he gets from him is different from what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post! I had this chapter on hand already but last week was just so hectic with school and everything that I couldn't post. So here it is and I hope you guys like it.

**Rei**

Something had been off with Nagisa ever since that day when they had that conversation about alternate universes in the train. He was still bubbly and happy and annoying but the bubby, happy, annoyingness seemed to be fake. A cover-up for something he was hiding and not showing. After knowing Nagisa for quite some time, and paying attention to almost every mannerism of his, Rei could tell that something was up with his friend. The way his laughter seemed almost forced. The way he seemed to avoid touching Rei at all. The way he looked so sad when he thought Rei wasn’t looking.

This new Nagisa annoyed Rei much, much more than the previous one. He couldn’t concentrate in class because he was thinking about what was eating his friend. In physics he made a mental list of possible reasons as to why Nagisa was acting the way he was. On top of the list was swimming, even if their team did win Nationals it was possible that Nagisa was depressed that their swimming days had come to an end. But Rei also figured that if he was depressed about swimming, he’d probably tell Rei and the others about it instead of keeping it all in.

Next on the list was family troubles. Last year, Rei had gotten an inkling of an idea of what Nagisa’s parents were like. They seemed to be way more strict than how Rei imagined them considering how happy-go-lucky their son was. Nagisa probably wouldn’t tell anybody if he had any trouble with his parents so that option was left uncrossed in Rei’s mental list.

The last option on the list seemed to be the most likely cause of Nagisa’s weird behavior. The career sheet that he had yet to fill out. Rei knew that Nagisa rarely took anything seriously, especially anything that had to do with school. But remembering the conversation they had that night after winning Nationals led Rei to reconsider. He remembered the way Nagisa looked at him straight in the eye, asking what he should do once he got into a college. The way his expression showed complete and utter seriousness and uncertainty but with a hint of desperation underneath. As if he commanding Rei to tell him what he needed to do.

‘As if I would know,’ Rei thought angrily as he hunched down over his desk. How could Nagisa expect him to tell him what to do when it was Rei who was being pulled around by him half the time when they were together? But then he remembered that he also indirectly asked Nagisa to go to the same college as him and that he said yes. His face burned at the thought. Nagisa seemed to have taken it seriously that night and Rei felt his heart lift at the thought. But then again, if Nagisa was happy about Rei’s offer that night then he wouldn’t be sad now. Unless that was the reason why he was sad.

Rei mentally groaned as he tapped his pencil against a page of his notebook. The class was now solving the calculus problems written by the teacher on the board. Rei tried to concentrate on the numbers on the board. Math problems were easier to figure out than what was happening to his friend. ‘I guess the only thing left is for me to ask,’ Rei sighed as he began to solve.

…                                                                                                                    

Nagisa was off again for the entire day. During lunch, he ate with Rei and Gou on the rooftop like always and ate an Iwatobi cream sandwich like always. Gou scolded him again because of what he was eating and Nagisa came up with about a thousand excuses and reasons to defend himself. Their playful banter lasted for quite some time until Gou started asking the two of them about what they were planning to do for college.

“College…” Nagisa echoed. All traces of his happy expression from earlier were gone.

“Yeah. Have you picked a college you want to go to?” Gou continued carefully, glancing at Rei slightly. It seemed that she also noticed Nagisa’s change in demeanor.   

“College, huh?” he repeated. His eyes met Rei’s for a fraction of a second before swiftly looking away. “Well, I guess I’ll just go wherever,” Nagisa shrugged and crammed the rest of his lunch into his mouth.   

“Nagisa, did--“, Rei began but was cut off by Nagisa abruptly standing up.

“Sorry, I have to meet up with Yuu-chan and Izumi-chan for something,” he said, flashing them both a grin that Rei could swear was fake.

“A-alright. See you later then…” Gou waved.

“See you!” Nagisa said brightly as he left with a wave of his hand. Rei looked down at his lap where his carefully arranged boxed lunch rested. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like eating anymore. He wanted to get up and chase Nagisa down the stairs and make him admit what was wrong with him and why he wasn’t telling him. Rei felt frustrated that Nagisa wasn’t telling him anything or coming to him for help. Weren’t they friends? Wasn’t that what friends did?

Gou looked at him sympathetically. “You should talk to him, you know?”

“Yeah,” Rei nodded. “But, I’ve never seen him like this before. He usually comes to us if he needs help, right? No, he _always_ comes to us when he needs help.”

“You’re right,” Gou agreed. “Something must be really troubling Nagisa for him to not tell us. Do you know if he’s filled out his career sheet yet?”

“I was going to ask him that before he left. But it seems like he’s avoiding the question.”

“Well, you’ll ask him about it, won’t you?”

“I have to,” Rei stated simply. He frowned as he began packing up his half-eaten lunch, deciding that he might as well head off to class instead. ‘Why does he always have to make me worry?’ he asked himself.

“But, don’t worry too much, okay?” Gou said, tapping his kneecap. Rei was slightly surprised at how she was able to read his mind. ‘Looks like it’s really obvious that I worry for him,’ he thought.

“I’m sure he’ll tell you the reason why. You are friends after all,” she smiled reassuringly.

“Y-yeah. We are,” Rei said, trying to convince both Gou and himself. But a nagging voice in the back of his head told him otherwise.

“Well then, come to me if you need help, okay?”

Rei nodded and stood up, holding his lunch in one hand. “Thanks, Gou-san,” he said. She smiled and waved as Rei left the rooftop and headed off to class.

…

Nagisa didn’t ask to copy down Rei’s homework for English before class started even though he did it almost every day. He didn’t crack a joke during class or bother Rei with one of his odd observations. He didn’t turn around in his seat to ask him about what they were doing in the lesson during class. He didn’t even show any signs that he wanted to see or talk to Rei even once. It was like he was deliberately ignoring him.

Because of that, Rei spent the whole class time staring at the back of Nagisa’s head, willing him to at least turn around for one second, instead of paying attention to the lesson. He had grown accustomed to seeing his smile during class, even if it was only for a few seconds. The distracting smile that warmed him up from the inside and made him feel all fuzzy. He was so used to his smile that seeing only the back of his head during class was killing him. Nagisa wasn’t even listening to the teacher either because he was staring out the window half the time with his chin propped up in his hands. Rei had never thought that it was physically or emotionally possible for someone like Nagisa to have such a sad look on his face.

Rei wanted to slam his hand on his desk and stand up in the middle of class. He wanted to grab Nagisa by the shoulders and demand him to tell him what was wrong. He wanted to ask what was making him look so sad, so unlike the Nagisa that he knew. He wanted to ask why he was ignoring him during class instead of bothering him like he used to. He wanted Nagisa to copy off his homework again and crack another lame joke in class and ask him about the lesson again. But most of all, he wanted to pull Nagisa into his arms and just hold him close. He wanted to run his hands through his blond hair and tell him that everything was okay.

But of course, Rei held himself back from doing all those things. After this class they had History next before school was finally over. After everything that happened that day, he was feeling pessimistic that Nagisa won’t go home together with him on the train and that he would miss his chance of asking him about the career sheet. History class soon came and went without so much as a word from his friend which further increased his worry.

The bell rang to signal the end of school. The sounds of his classmates zipping up their bags and moving their chairs back resounded throughout the classroom. Rei slowly put his things in his bag while observing Nagisa from the corner of his eye. Once he stood up, Rei opened his mouth to say something when Nagisa suddenly turned around and flashed him a long-awaited smile. He didn’t care if it was real or fake, seeing that smile was like a breath of fresh air.

“Let’s go home, Rei,” Nagisa said.

“Y-yeah,” he smiled, trying to stop his head from nodding too eagerly.

…

The ride home in the train was pretty silent but this time, Rei didn’t mind it too much. He was just glad that Nagisa was with him on the way home. Rei read from the book he brought with him and once in a while, he and Nagisa would strike a conversation that only lasted for a few minutes. ‘This time though,’ he said to himself. ‘I’ll ask him for sure this time.’

The train stopped and the two of them got off. Nagisa stretched his arms up and looked over at Rei. “Want to get a popsicle, Rei-chan?” he asked. Rei smiled inwardly. ‘It seems he still cares about his own stomach, that’s a good sign,’ he thought.

“Sure,” he nodded.

“Awesome!” Nagisa grinned as he began to walk with Rei keeping up pace beside him. He gripped the strap of his bag tightly with one hand. ‘This is it. I’ll ask him right now,’ he told himself.

“Nagisa.”

“Yeah?” he stopped walking and turned to look at him. “What’s up, Rei-chan?”

“Did you… fill out your career sheet already?” Rei asked carefully, hoping that the question didn’t destroy the somewhat cheerful mood that Nagisa seemed to have a minute ago.

“My career sheet?” he repeated.

“Y-yeah… You seemed a bit down for the past few days so I thought that maybe you were still worried about filling out your career sheet. I finished mine already so I could also help out if you need me to before the deadline,” Rei explained.

“Oh, that. I submitted mine a few days ago,” Nagisa answered.

“Wh-what?” Rei was taken aback. He hadn’t expected this answer from Nagisa at all.

“Yup! I filled it all out myself! It’s all good now,” he said cheerily as he flashed a thumbs-up. Rei felt a pang in his chest when he saw the smile on his face. ‘Fake. It’s all fake,’ he thought.

“It’s all good? That’s what you’re saying, right?”

“Y-yes, Rei-chan. Is there anything wrong?” Nagisa asked with a puzzled and worried expression on his face.

“If it really is all good, then tell me. Why do you look so sad all the time, Nagisa?” Rei looked up at him just in time to see his face crumple up at his words. ‘So it is true. You really are bothered by something, aren’t you?’ Rei thought.

“Remember when we walked around the city on the night after Nationals?” Nagisa asked. Rei nodded and he continued. “That night, when you said that we should go to the same college together, I wasn’t thinking when I said yes. I was only thinking about how I’d be able to swim with you again and that made me really happy,” he smiled softly at the memory. “But then, I saw your career sheet and the universities you said that you wanted to go to. They’re all really big universities and I’m sure that you’ll be able to get into any one of them. But for someone like me, there’s absolutely no chance. Even if I did study hard, there’s no way I’ll make it past the entrance tests.”

“Nagisa…” Rei swallowed.

“I only put the colleges in the prefecture on my career sheet,” Nagisa continued. “And I started applying for them as well. I’m not going to the same college as you.”

“B-but—“, Rei stammered.

“It’s alright with me too,” Nagisa said, plastering another fake smile on his face. “I mean, to me, college doesn’t really matter too much. It’s mostly my parents who are worried for me. But you have a chance and you’re really smart too. You should definitely go for it, Rei-chan.”

“You could have still come to me for help, Nagisa!” Rei blurted out. “I-I could still help you out, it isn’t that late to start applying too. And you could always come to me for help.”

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa said softly.

“A-and there’s cram school too. We could both go to one and I’ll nag you every day to make you study,” Rei continued, hoping that Nagisa would finally agree to what he was saying. But the look of sadness on his friend’s face showed that Rei’s words weren’t getting through to him at all.

“It’s okay, Rei-chan. That’s enough,” Nagisa said. “I’ve always relied on you for help in school after all, I don’t want to inconvenience you anymore. You need to study hard after all.”

‘I don’t care if you inconvenience me! You can do it for as much as you want, just please think about what I’m saying!’ Rei wanted to yell out. But instead, he clenched his fists and held himself back yet again.

“We’ll probably be really busy with everything after this,” Nagisa continued. “That’s why I thought that maybe… we shouldn’t see each other so much anymore…”

Rei felt like all the air in his lungs had been knocked out with the blow of his words. “Not see each other?” he echoed, still entirely unconvinced at the words he heard.

“Well, it’s not like we’ll completely ignore each other,” Nagisa chuckled. “I mean, we probably won’t be able to hang out so much on weekends like we used to or eat lunch together or go home together. You’ll be busy with your studying and cram school. My parents are also scheduling sessions with a tutor for me to help me study too.” Then, he paused for a while and continued again. “It’s also probably better this way…” he said slowly. “Since we are going to different universities… we have to get used to not seeing each other often…”

“Nagisa…” Rei began. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to say something again but no words came out. How was he even supposed to reply to something like this? How was he supposed to tell Nagisa that being away from him for long periods of time would hurt him? How was he supposed to tell him that he needed to be with him? That he needed to see that smile on his face?

“It’s for the best, Rei-chan. I want you to get into a good college too after all,” Nagisa said, smiling reassuringly. “We’ll still see each other in school too.”

‘Say something, Rei! Make him stop this!’ his mind yelled. He didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want this to happen at all. But he also couldn’t deny the fact that Nagisa was right. And judging from the seriousness etched on his face, it seemed that he wanted it to happen too. After all, he needed to study way more than Rei did.

“Yeah, let’s do it…” Rei agreed, nodding his head. An unreadable expression passed through Nagisa’s face for only a moment before he lit up into a smile.

“Great! I’m glad you agree.” Rei only nodded his head again, refusing to speak because he didn’t trust himself to say the right thing. “So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow in class,” Nagisa said.

“Yeah, see you then,” he forced a smile on his face.

“Bye, Rei!” Nagisa waved before turning around and walking away. For the second time in the day, Rei was left staring at his back again. He focused on it, knowing full well that he’d be seeing the same thing for a long time after today. ‘He’s leaving. Say something! Say something, Rei!’ his mind yelled but his body was too numb to move. All he could do was watch as the person he loved walked away from him. If his heart had the ability to shatter, he wouldn’t be able to hear it from the sounds of the train passing by.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment/leave kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation Day arrives and it's Nagisa's last chance to talk to Rei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! Sorry for the super late chapter but all exams and projects for the year are DONE and here's the new chapter! Hope you enjoy it!

**Nagisa**

Nagisa tried to smooth down his floppy blonde hair for the thirtieth time in front of the mirror. A few curls, however, still stuck out and he sighed, admitting defeat. He gazed at himself in the mirror knowing that this was the last time he was going to wear the Iwatobi High School uniform. Nagisa remembered the first time he had worn his uniform for school in his freshman year. He was late for the assembly so he barely had enough time to fix himself and comb down his bed head. But he could still recall how he looked at himself with pride and excitement in his new uniform.

Nagisa thought that his high school graduation would be tearful yet happy and that his parents would look at him proudly and his friends will all be close to him. But in reality, only his mother could actually make it to the ceremony since his father was busy. At least Gou, Izumi, and Yuu were going to be there for him. And if Rei would speak to him at least once throughout the whole ceremony, then he’d be lucky. When Nagisa looked into mirror at his own eyes, all he could see was regret.

‘That won’t do,’ he thought as he put on his most cheerful smile. Instantly, he looked like the Nagisa everyone thought he was and expected to be. The cheerful and happy Nagisa. The fake smile may hurt his cheeks, but at least no one would know that he was hurting inside and therefore worry about him. It may not fool everyone, but if it fooled Rei then it was enough for now.

“Nagisa! We need to leave soon!” his mother called from downstairs.

“Yes! I’m coming!” Nagisa replied, snapping out of his thoughts. Before leaving the room, he passed by his desk and his eyes glanced over the letter sitting on top. The envelope that he used was the one that his college application came in but the letter inside it was one that he didn’t wish to send. Nagisa picked it up and held it gently in his hands before tucking it behind a few books in his bookcase. He knew that he didn’t want anyone to find it and he could easily prevent that by just throwing it away. But for some reason, he felt like keeping it for a little while longer.

‘Well that’s that…’ he said to himself as he took one last look at the bookcase before leaving the room.

…

His mother drove the car on the way to school with Nagisa in the passenger’s seat. He twiddled his thumbs in his laps, his gaze sliding over to look out the window and then at his mother driving quietly beside him. He noticed that she was wearing her ‘Special Occasion Dress.’ It had simple short sleeves and it fell to her knees. The color was a red violet that matched her magenta eyes. She and Nagisa both shared the same eyes but her hair was a much darker brown. Her mouth was set in a straight line and it made him think about whether his mother was going to his graduation because she wanted to or because it was required for her to do so as a parent. Nagisa didn’t really he was staring at her when she suddenly turned her head to look at him.

“Is something the matter, Nagisa?” she asked.

“Ah! U-um… No…” he stammered as he turned away.

“You’ve been awfully quiet. It’s not like you,” she said.

“W-well it’s just that I’m really nervous since its graduation and everything…” he lied.

“Nagisa, you’re lying aren’t you? I know how you are when you’re nervous,” his mother said, still keeping her eyes on the road. Nagisa winced slightly at what she said, remembering how Rei could manage to detect when he was nervous.

“How… did you know?” he asked.

“Because I’m your mother,” she scoffed, then her voice softened. “I know you think that I’m usually not there for you but—“

“I don’t think that!” Nagisa protested.

“Don’t interrupt your mother and yes, I know that that’s what you think. But I don’t blame you for it.” She sighed and looked at Nagisa who was now trying to avoid her gaze by looking down. “What’s bothering you?” she asked gently.

Nagisa clenched his fists in his lap. For the past weeks, he didn’t have anyone to talk to about what was happening to him because of what he said to Rei. All the feelings and things that he wanted to say just kept on piling up and Nagisa felt like it was killing him in the inside. His chest tightened as the words threatened to spill out of him. Lying to his mother would be useless, but he hoped that she wouldn’t detect that he didn’t tell her the full truth.

“It’s just that I got into a fight with one of my friends,” he said, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. “And we were supposed to have an awesome graduation together but we haven’t made up yet.”

“I see…” his mother nodded. Nagisa detected a slight trace of suspicion in her voice but prayed that he was only imagining it.

“Yeah…” he agreed.

“Well, you better make up soon since it’s a big day for you two after all,” she said. Nagisa breathed out a small breath of relief, thinking that his mother would choose to drop the issue then. However, the school then came into view and he could feel his stomach drop slightly. His mother parked the car and turned the engine off before the two of them unbuckled their seatbelts and stepped out of the car.

“Well, I’ll go on ahead then. The teachers are still orienting the students for one final practice run,” Nagisa.

“I’ll see you there,” his mother nodded but just as he was about to start walking she called out to him one last time.

“We can talk about it later, if you want,” she said. Nagisa froze in his place and smiled grimly to himself. ‘She’s really observant, just like Rei-chan,’ he thought.

“Sure!” he said, turning around and flashing her a cheerful, carefree smile. Then, he turned around and started walking to the school.

…

**Rei**

Rei came to school two hours early. Not just because he was used to getting to school at around this time to study before class began, but because he wanted to take one last look around before finally leaving. The emptiness was slightly unnerving to Rei at first when he came in, but after a while it became sort of welcoming.

His footsteps echoed throughout the hallways as he walked from room to room. Not only did he look at his current classrooms but at his old classrooms as well. ‘This was where I did my first chemistry experiment. This was where I accidentally yelled out loud when I learned that I aced a really hard English test. This was where Nagisa played a prank on one of the teachers.’ The old and newer memories flashed through his head every time he opened a door. Doing this gave Rei a sort of bittersweet feeling. There was happiness at being able to relive the memories and sadness at the thought that he was leaving all of it behind.

The last classroom he visited was his homeroom classroom. Rei remembered entering the room on his first day of senior year and then drawing lots for his seat number on the same day. Nagisa kept on crossing his fingers and moaning about how he wanted to be next to Rei this time. He never told him out loud but Rei was secretly happy that he had taken a seat right behind Nagisa’s.

Rei walked over to where his and Nagisa’s desks were and ran his fingers gently over his friend’s desk. On the upper left corner of the desk was a small carving of the word ‘Free.’ Nagisa had carved it in there one day when he and Rei were eating in class during lunchbreak. He used one of the blades on his scissors to carve the word despite Rei hissing at him that it wasn’t allowed. But he did it anyway, saying that he was ‘Leaving his mark in school.’

 A small smile played on Rei’s face as he ran his fingers again and again over the carving. The word ‘Free’ was probably due to Haruka-senpai’s influence on Nagisa but it also reminded Rei of the release he felt whenever he swam his fastest during a race. ‘It was good while it lasted…’ he thought as the smile on his face faded away. Soon, he would have to enter college and probably repeat the same cycle of intense studying to please his parents. But the worst part was that this time, Nagisa wouldn’t be there to pull him out of it anymore.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of students filing into the school. Rei looked out the window and sure enough, there were students already walking into the school with their parents with them. Most of them exchanged a hug and a few kisses on the cheek before parting ways, the parents to the gym and the students into the school. Rei felt a pang in his chest at the sight, knowing that his parents weren’t coming to his own graduation and if they did, they’d probably just drop him off at school before heading to the gym.

‘I guess it’s time…’ Rei sighed as he walked over to the door. Before leaving, he turned around one last time and gazed around at the empty classroom. It seemed strange, but Rei considered his desk there as a second home. He had always received an elated feeling whenever he walked into the classroom to see Nagisa sitting on the desk in front of his. It was a lot more welcoming than his empty apartment. Those memories felt more painful to let go but Rei knew that he had to in order to move on.

“I’m leaving…” he said sadly before turning around and shutting the door behind him.

…

**Nagisa**

The ending ceremony for their graduation was just as long and boring as the opening ceremony on the first day. The principal was engaged in saying this long speech while Nagisa desperately looked for anything interesting to keep himself from completely falling into boredom. He had hoped that during the graduation ceremony, the principal would launch into a more motivating and uplifting speech about friendship and determination. Then, Nagisa would probably start tearing up at the speech and he’ll recall all the wonderful memories with his friends. That was not the case, but Nagisa didn’t feel too let down by it. He may have been fantasizing about it but he never really expected it to actually happen.

Soon, the awards were given to some of the lucky graduates. Nagisa didn’t know any of the awardees quite well but he recognized their names which were usually written in the Top 10 section of their class rankings. When Rei’s name was called, he heard murmurs among the parents who seemed surprised that Rei Ryuugazaki wasn’t, in fact, a girl. Nagisa could tell that Rei also heard them too because of how he blushed bright red on the stage while holding up his award. He received the award for Academic Excellency and Nagisa clapped along with the rest before he went back to his seat.

After the ceremony, the students and parents all poured out of the gym. Some were crying, some were smiling, some were laughing, some were slightly frustrated, and some who didn’t appear to have any feelings at all. Nagisa marveled at the abundance of different emotions around him as he walked with his mother. She gave him a smile and a ‘Congratulations!’ went they met again in the gym before heading out.

“Have you made up with your friend already?” she asked once they were outside. Nagisa stiffened slightly, remembering that his mother planned to talk about it later in the car. He had actually been worrying over whether or not he should talk to Rei at least once during the graduation ceremony the night before. The truth was, Nagisa did want to say something to him but he didn’t even know what to say. He found it rather amazing how their close friendship managed to crumble to ruins within the span of a few weeks.

“Not yet…” he said answering his mother.

“Well…” she said, glancing at her wristwatch. “We still have about twenty minutes to kill. You could probably apologize within the time limit. Unless you actually don’t want to.” She glanced up at Nagisa with a raised eyebrow.

“I do want to make up with him,” Nagisa said. “But, I don’t even know what to say. I think it’s even my fall that the two of us fell out in the first place.”

“You could start with an apology. Or even a congratulations on him graduating,” his mother suggested. “The rest is up to you, though. Now go on,” she said, urging him on with a wave of her hand. Nagisa stood still for a moment before finally getting his body to move.

‘I guess it’s all on me now,’ he thought as he went off to find Rei.

…

Going all the way to the rooftop to find Rei may have been a wild guess for Nagisa. But in actuality, it had been more of an innate sense that led him to go straight upstairs to find Rei. All the weeks that had gone by without even getting a chance to speak to his friend took its toll on Nagisa. At that moment, he didn’t really care if he would say something stupid or wrong, he just needed to find Rei and talk to him at least.

The door to the top of the roof was wide open when Nagisa reached the staircase and he could see Rei’s unmistakable figure leaning against the railing of the building. Nagisa froze where he stood and stared at Rei. He looked a lot thinner than last time he saw him. His cheeks looked more sunken in and there were hints of dark circles underneath his eyes. His skin was slightly on the pale side, probably from not swimming for a long time. ‘Probably from all the studying,’ Nagisa thought sadly. Knowing that Rei lived alone meant that no one was around to remind him to eat or get some sleep. A part of him felt that it was his fault that Rei was like that.

Nagisa sucked in a deep breath, he suddenly felt like backing out at the last minute but he steeled himself to walk forward. Rei, hearing his footsteps, looked up and found his gaze falling on Nagisa.

“Nagisa?” Rei spoke. Nagisa observed how his eyes widened into a look of surprise before melting off into a more unreadable expression. He could detect several different emotions at once on Rei’s face but the one that stood out the most was the look of pain behind his eyes. Nagisa looked away from those eyes. ‘I knew it,’ he thought angrily. ‘I shouldn’t have come.’

“S-sorry, Rei. I thought this place was empty. Well, I’ll be going now.” Nagisa rubbed the back of his head and tried to smile sheepishly. He turned around and started walking back to the door when Rei called out to him.

“W-wait! Nagisa,” Rei began. Nagisa turned around and saw Rei smiling at him with both of his hands in his pocket. “I was actually hoping to see you today. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

Nagisa wished that he didn’t. He wished that his mom was in a hurry to leave and impatiently waiting downstairs by the car. It would have given him reason to not come up to the rooftop and talk to Rei. But he was here and Rei was in front of him. Nagisa always believed that you should take your chances once the Universe presented them, and this was his chance.

“Rei…” he breathed out. There were so many things that he wanted to say and so many things that he wished he didn’t say and could take back. The words were all crammed in the back of his throat but he just couldn’t pick out the right ones to say.

“Rei… I—“

“I’ve been accepted to Stanford University in America,” Rei cut him off as soon as Nagisa began. All of a sudden, he felt a huge weight crashing onto him. Stanford University was far, too far from where Nagisa was. The words that he wanted to say were emptied out of his mind leaving him with nothing to say.

“I took it, of course,” Rei continued, this time looking away from Nagisa. “It would be a waste not to go after all.”

“Rei… that’s great… Congratulations,” Nagisa nodded, attempting to give him his brightest smile. “You should definitely go. You worked hard for it.”

“Thanks, Nagisa,” Rei said, the sides of his lips turning up in a slight smile. His eyes, however, were still trained on the ground. “My parents gave in the check for the tuition right away and even started looking for a place for me to stay,” he chuckled slightly. “They want me to get going as soon as possible. ‘There’s nothing left for you here anyway…’ they said.”

Nagisa swallowed and looked down. ‘They’re right…’ he agreed silently. His eyes glanced up at Rei who was only a few meters in front of him but suddenly felt so far away. ‘I guess he always was out of reach,’ he thought. Rei had always been better than him at everything related to school and Nagisa also loved that part of him wholeheartedly. It only occurred to him later on that it would probably drive them apart.

‘You’re supposed to be happy for him…’ a voice inside his head reminded him.

‘But why does Rei look so sad?’ Nagisa asked. Rei’s head hung slightly and his eyes stared intently at the ground. He hardly ever looked down like that, Rei was too confident for that. But now, he seemed to be withdrawing into himself. ‘What’s wrong with you, Rei? Why aren’t you happy?’ Nagisa wanted to ask. But his mind reasoned with him, telling him that Rei was probably just anxious about going to another country but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to go.

“Go for it, Rei!” Nagisa said, trying to fill his words with as much encouragement as possible. Supporting Rei and encouraging him in any way he could was the least he could do. He searched his mind for more words he could say to help him out.

“You’ll do great in Stanford,” he continued. “People there are going to be as smart as you so you’ll make even more friends. And then you’ll graduate with honors and stuff like that and do whatever you want when you grow up.” Nagisa kept on talking as more words poured out of him. He felt relieved that at least he didn’t have to lie when he said them. His last gift for the person he loved before he had to leave.

When Nagisa finally ended his speech, he looked up at Rei and was surprised to see that the boy looked even sadder than he had earlier. His eyes looked pained and his hands clutched the bar behind him tightly. “Rei..?” Nagisa asked timidly.

“So it all comes down to this…” Rei said through gritted teeth. His grip on the bar behind him loosened and a small smile came upon his face. “I guess this is goodbye then…” he said softly, looking up to meet Nagisa’s eyes.

“Goodbye…” Nagisa swallowed. The word weighed heavily on his tongue.

“Yeah,” Rei nodded. “We can still keep in touch sometimes, but we’ll both be busy though so it won’t happen that often.”

“That’s right,” Nagisa agreed. “And besides, you’ll make new friends too. You’ll hardly even think of me when you’re there.”

“You too…” Rei paused for a moment before holding out a hand to Nagisa. He held out his own hand and shook Rei’s.

“It was nice meeting you,” Rei said while shaking his hand. “Thank you for making my last two years here memorable.”

“Yeah. You as well…” Nagisa mumbled, letting go of Rei’s hand. The handshake disgusted him. They were supposed to be done between people who have met for the first time and not between two friends who were going to go their own separate ways.

“Well, I’ll be going now,” said Rei, his hand dropping to his side. “I guess I’ll see you someday, Nagisa.”

“Yeah. My mother’s waiting for me too. Take care going home,” he waved. The word ‘someday’ lingered in his mind. ‘When would that be?’ he wondered. A day? A month? A year? Never?

“You too…” Rei nodded as he started walking to the door. Once he reached it, he paused and turned around. “Goodbye… Nagisa.” His expression could hardly be seen from where Nagisa stood but maybe if he was closer, he could have seen the tears that were starting to form in his eyes. Nagisa could have heard Rei’s voice slowly breaking if he stood closer and paid more attention but at that moment, there was nothing else on his mind except for the screaming realization that Rei was leaving.

“Goodbye, Rei…” Nagisa answered. His eyes followed Rei’s figure as he went down the stairs and even after he was gone, they were still trained at the same spot where Rei had just stood a few seconds ago. Now, it was Nagisa’s turn to watch as the person he loved walked farther and farther away from him.

If Rei had lingered on the stairs near the rooftop, he would have heard Nagisa crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much angst. Very tears. Anyway, hope you guys like this chapter! I have another one coming soon and thanks for all your comments and kudos so far <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks pass after that day and both Nagisa and Rei are caught up in their own lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for all the comments, kudos, and hits so far! I know last chapter was pretty angsty but it only increases from here on in. I'll be doing a lot of POV jumping between Nagisa and Rei here so I hope you guys enjoy :)

**Nagisa**

As soon as he left, Nagisa wanted to run back to Rei and take back everything that he said. Everything about not wanting to go to the same college as Rei and not seeing him as often as they used to. He wanted to tell him that he could hardly stand not being able to be with him at all and that having to go to a different college as Rei would probably kill him. He wanted to apologize to Rei and say that he was just being stupid like always and that everything he said back there were probably the dumbest things he ever said. But he knew that they weren’t dumb at all and that they were probably for the best.

He trudged along the pavement to his house. The convenience store he often went to loomed up beside him. Nagisa gazed at it with a pained expression. Right about now, he and Rei were supposed to walk out of there carrying their own popsicles. He’d have a raspberry sherbet popsicle while Rei would have his usual red bean ice cream. ‘Don’t think about that…’ he chastised himself as he broke into a run to get away from the store as fast as possible. ‘Don’t think about that…’

‘Rei will be able to go to the college he wants. Then he’ll be super successful and happy afterwards. Really Nagisa, you were just holding him back,’ said a voice in his head. The cold, evening air bit through his arms and face as he continued to run. He wanted to keep on running until his lungs burst and his arms and legs ached. He wanted to keep on running until the pain in his body became greater than the pain he was feeling inside.

Finally, Nagisa reached his house just when he passed his own limit. Tired and panting, he slumped against the cold cement wall that framed his house. He sat down on the sidewalk with his body bent forward as he tried to catch his breath. The lights in his house were on and his dad’s car was parked in the garage. In a few minutes, he would have to eat dinner with his parents with a fake grin on his face and pretend like nothing’s wrong. In fact, he knew he’ll be doing it for the next few weeks until graduation came and went. Nagisa knew that he did make the right choice and he would firmly live by that choice.

Even if it meant being completely destroyed on the inside.

…

**Rei**

Rei couldn’t feel anything but a hollowness inside of him once he snapped back to reality. He didn’t know how long he had been standing by the train station after Nagisa left. But judging from the dark sky, Rei would say that it was probably around 7 pm. “I need to get home…” he mumbled emotionlessly. His feet began to move and his body followed with him as he started walking back home.

‘Once I get home I’ll have to start preparing dinner,’ Rei thought, as he stared ahead. ‘There’s still leftover chicken teriyaki from the other day. I can just heat that and prepare rice. There’s still some vegetables in the fridge too that I can make into a salad. Cooking and eating will probably take an hour and cleaning up afterwards would take less than 15 minutes. By 8:30 I can take a bath and then start doing homework at around 9 pm.’

The cars on the road beside him flashed their lights and honked their horns loudly. The night air was cold against his bare skin. Rei’s hands began to shake and tears fell from his eyes down his cheeks. But in spite of everything else that was happening, his mind stayed calm and organized as he broke down the tasks that he needed to do that night. ‘I have Math and Chemistry homework due tomorrow,’ he continued to think. ‘I’ll start with Math first since I can finish that quickly but Chemistry might take some time too. There’s an English test tomorrow on Julius Caesar so I’ll have to reread the last few chapters we discussed in class as well as the notes I took. The History test about the Russian Revolution is in two days so I’ll have to do some reading later. Luckily, I borrowed a book from the library. And tomorrow –“

Rei stopped dead in his tracks. Tomorrow he’ll probably see Nagisa in the train or if not, he’d be in school sitting by the desk right in front of him. “Nagisa…” Rei choked out as his legs threatened to buckle underneath him. Nagisa. The one who burst into his life like a stray comet coming out of nowhere. His light. His firework. A vortex that kept on pulling him in. With a flash of a smile, he could instantly fill Rei’s chest with warmth and bring out a smile he didn’t even know he had within him.

Tomorrow, he would have to see him again. Rei felt a strong sense of dread settle in the pit of his stomach. Would he have to put on a fake smile when he greets Nagisa in the morning or would he just ignore him? Where would he look if he had to pass by him in the hallway? How would he react if Nagisa had to ask him a question in class?

‘It’s so unfair,’ Rei thought angrily as he began to make his way up his apartment. Nagisa had turned his normal and boring life into something extraordinary. Rei could hardly remember being so happy before he came along. And now he was just going to _leave_ him.

Fireworks, after all, only last for a few fleeting seconds.

…

**Nagisa**

“Hazuki-san, are you listening to me?”

“Ah! Sorry Mr. Sakuragi…” Nagisa apologized, immediately snapping out of his thoughts. His tutor, a man with salt-and-pepper hair and wearing a plaid button-up, sighed exasperatedly.

“Clearly you weren’t listening to what I was saying,” Mr. Sakuragi said as he adjusted the glasses on his nose with two fingers. Nagisa winced at how the action reminded him so strongly of Rei. It had been weeks since that day by the train station which Nagisa tried desperately to forget about. Luckily, his parents, school, and tutor, filled his free time with work. Read. Write. Memorize. Answer. Nagisa hated studying but now it served as an escape from how he was truly feeling. He would have laughed if it wasn’t happening for real.

“I’m sorry Mr. Sakuragi. Could you please repeat the question?” Nagisa asked as he sat up straight behind the table.

“How many kilocalories of energy per meter square per year would the primary producers’ trophic level contain if the producers make 500 kilocalories of energy per meter square per year?” The tutor’s gaze pierced through Nagisa and he felt himself shrink in his seat.

“Uh… um… 300 kilocalories?” he answered. Immediately, he knew that his answer to the question was wrong by how his tutor pinched the bridge of his nose. Mr. Sakuragi removed his glasses, letting them dangle on the chain around his neck, and sat on the chair close to Nagisa. Judging by the way he folded his hands in front of him, Nagisa knew that he was in for a lecture.

“Hazuki-san, do you know why you’re here? Why you’re parents are making you take all these lessons with me?” Mr. Sakuragi asked.

“Do help me study for college entrance exams,” Nagisa mumbled. It irritated him when teachers made him restate what was clearly obvious.

“Which, in turn, will be very beneficial for your future. Being able to enter a good college will help you acquire the needed skills in developing a career for yourself.” Nagisa nodded along as he watched Mr. Sakuragi use his glasses to gesture at him while he spoke. He had heard this exact same speech a billion times and at that point, he couldn’t really care less about how often they said it. Finally, his tutor put down his glasses and lean forward to Nagisa.

“Your parents want this for you. Your schoolteachers want this for you. So you mustn’t let them all down, alright?” he said gently. Nagisa bit his bottom lip and nodded.

“Yes, Mr. Sakuragi. I’ll try harder,” he said softly. That seemed to satisfy his tutor who soon stood up and put his glasses back on.

“We’ll move on to History for now. I hope you read the texts I gave you about Stalinism.”

“Yes sir. I did,” he said, stating the truth. He read it on the train ride home alone and before he went to bed.

“Very good. Hopefully you’ll be able to answer at least half of my questions.” Nagisa’s eyebrow quirked in irritation at the tone of his tutor’s voice but he swallowed a snarky comment down. “I’ll also be giving you a few more texts from your Biology book to read since you need to study up on that area. Answer the review questions at the end of the chapter as well.”

“Yes sir,” Nagisa nodded again. Outside, it began to rain.

…

**Rei**

Rei looked up from the Chemistry workbook he had been using to study. He had been studying all night and after having a hasty breakfast once he woke up in the morning, he went back to studying again. His eyes burned from all the reading and there were dark rings underneath them from not having enough sleep. ‘Definitely not beautiful,’ he thought and smiled bitterly. Rei put his book down, removed his glasses, and closed his eyes to allow himself a short break from studying. The past few weeks had flown by quickly. A flurry of schoolwork, cram school, and college applications. His parents encouraged him to apply to other colleges abroad as well. Rei did, knowing that they would make him go to the one of the top universities in the world if he got in.

Rei stood up and stretched his arms, deciding to make himself a pot of tea to help relax. He padded over to the kitchen of his house and filled a kettle with water before placing it on the burner. The red sweatpants and white t-shirt that he wore to sleep hung loosely off his frame. Rei sometimes forgot when to eat from all the studying that he did. He even took to eating his lunch by himself in the classroom instead of on the rooftop like he used to.

The kettle whistled and Rei pulled out a mug from the cupboard above him and a chamomile teabag from the counter. He poured out the hot water into the mug and brought the hot tea to his room. His neatly arranged desk with the pen holder on one corner, his books neatly stacked on the edge, and his open notebook and workbook in the center greeted him. Rei winced slightly at the sight and decided to prolong his break even further. He walked out of his room and sat on the low table in his living room.

The tea was still too hot after Rei tasted it. He kept the mug near his lips and blew on the steam that rose from the top. Suddenly, he heard a faint pitter-patter sound as droplets of rain began to hit the glass on his window. ‘Strange,’ Rei thought. ‘I thought it wasn’t supposed to rain today.’ Still, he was pleasantly surprised by the arrival of rain. The sound of it always calmed him down. If only he didn’t have so many problems at the moment.

Rei’s wandering eyes fell on the exercise mat rolled up and neatly tucked in the corner of the room. A pair of dumbbells rested against the wall near it. Nowadays, he didn’t have time to exercise or work-out anymore because of all the studying. That, and the fact that it reminded him of swimming. ‘Maybe that’s the reason why I’m so depressed and bored now,’ he thought, not wanting to think about the other reason. Rei brought the mug of tea to his lips and took a sip.

It was just right.

…

**Nagisa**

Nagisa always passed by the bulletin board on the way downstairs to the shoe locker. The bulletin board had the usual club announcements, reminders, and class rankings. It didn’t look very special, yet Nagisa found himself standing in front of it for quite some time. He remembered when the Iwatobi Swim Club was being started out by just him, Haru, and Makoto. They desperately needed another member to make the club work out so Nagisa had suggested making a promotional poster to tack onto the bulletin board. Eventually, it was Haru who made it and their poster consisted of about a hundred sketches of Iwatobi-chan and the words ‘Join the Iwatobi Swim Club! Free Iwatobi-chan keychain for those who enter!’

The poster didn’t get anyone to join the club but Nagisa remembered that poster fondly. They tacked it right in the middle of the bulletin board for everyone to see and once Rei joined the club, Nagisa kept the poster in his room. Once Haru and Makoto left, Nagisa and Rei attempted to create a new promotional poster. This time, both of them drew Iwatobi-chan penguins to cover a large sheet of paper but since Rei’s drawings were far better than Nagisa’s, the penguins looked very different from each other in terms of quality. In the center of the paper, Nagisa had written the word ‘Join the Iwatobi Swim Club! Free Math lessons from Rei-chan for those who join!’ Once again, they placed the poster in the center of the bulletin board but it didn’t work in terms of gathering new members. Nagisa kept that poster too.

‘Soon it will be Yuu-chan and Izumi-chan’s turn…’ he thought fondly. ‘Maybe they’ll do a better job than us at drawing Iwatobi-chans.’ Right now, the bulletin board had a few announcements about schedules for graduation practice as well as a message from the Student Council President. Nagisa’s drifting eyes then fell on the class rankings sheet. They posted a new one every month but he never paid much attention to it since he was usually in the bottom half of the class. But thanks to all the extra studying he’d been doing with Mr. Sakuragi, his ranking had barely made it to the top half of his class.

‘That’s good news, I guess…’ Nagisa sighed. Then his eyes drifted farther up the list and landed on Rei Ryuugazaki’s name that was written on the very top. Not only was he at the top of his class, but also the top of the whole senior batch. ‘I guess me not being around to bug him actually did a lot of good,’ he thought as he began to walk away from the bulletin board. ‘I wonder where he got accepted. It must be a really good college…’ he wondered.

Nagisa had gotten his own acceptance letter a few days ago from Nakagawa University which was somewhat farther from his own home. His parents were ecstatic about it nonetheless and finalized that Nagisa would have to stay in the dorms. He didn’t mind it too much, there were too many memories that he wanted to push away and having a change of scenery might do that. Maybe he’ll be able to finally move on and live a life that his parents would want for him. But it was all happening too soon and too fast and it wasn’t what Nagisa actually wants. But for now, they were the only options he could think of and it was either sink or swim. His only comfort right at the moment was the fact that Rei probably had it better than he did.

He didn’t.

…

**Rei**

If he had been in any other situation than what he was in at the moment, Rei would have been delighted with his class ranking. He had placed first out of all the other senior students. But only a small smile came upon his face. After staring at his printed name for a few minutes, he made his way to his shoe locker and then left the school.

Exams were coming up next week and Rei had started studying a few weeks ago. When he came home, he would immediately prepare a quick and early dinner with whatever was in his cupboard and fridge. After a shower, he would immediately sit on his desk and study all night until 2 am. In the morning, he would wake up at 5:30 am and head to school. He read one of his reviewers or a workbook in the train instead of a novel for leisure. In school he would do more studying during his free time, sometimes having to hastily cram his lunch in his mouth before the bell rang or not eating lunch at all.

There seemed to be no end to his studying, no break in between. Despite all the facts and equations he crammed into his head and memorized, Rei felt as if he was being emptied out. His body ached sitting on his desk all day. His head spun and his eyes hurt from staring at words, arranging and rearranging them to form the sentences in his head. His body hurt everywhere from not being able to exercise and lack of nutrition. But the pain he felt in his chest was far greater than everything else he felt.

There was a time when he had been in this kind of situation before. If Rei recalled correctly, it was during his freshman year in high school. It wasn’t as bad as the situation he was in now but at that time, he was also studying like crazy. Back in middle school, his parents had been really strict with him and demanded nothing but perfection. Rei decided then that it would be best for him to move to a school that was far away from his parents and maybe get a place near there. Iwatobi High School was the farthest he could get and his parents allowed him to go. On the condition that his grades were perfect as well.

Rei had no choice but to comply with their demands. He spent all his free time studying, not bothering to make friends with other people or even relaxing on the weekends. People then decided to avoid him because of how he usually appeared pompous and arrogant, a cover-up for how scared and miserable he truly felt on the inside. Freshman year passed without any complications, until he met Nagisa and the Iwatobi Swim Club in his second year.

Rei began to experience what it was like to be friends with people and collaborate on a shared goal. He still cared about his grades and studied quite often, but academics stopped being the first and most important thing on his mind. He still came out on top of the class, but the elation he felt when he did was nothing compared to when he completed a good practice relay with his friends or when he hung out with them on the weekends. It didn’t even begin to compare with how happy Rei felt every time he was with Nagisa. But all good things had to come to an end.

Once Rei reached his apartment, he spotted a white envelope that was placed carefully in the mail slot. After picking up and turning it over, he saw that it was from Stanford University. He wasn’t entirely surprised by it. Last week he had received a letter of acceptance from Waseda University and Tokyo University as well. He entered his apartment with the envelope in hand and opened it at his table. It was a letter of acceptance after all, just like he guessed. ‘Two good things in a day…’ Rei mused. But the emptiness inside him didn’t waver or change.

‘Well that’s that,’ he thought. He was going to Tokyo without a doubt. It had the program that he really wanted and it was what his parents would want too. Rei got out his phone and started writing an email to his parents about the news. After sending the message, his fingers found themselves hovering over Nagisa’s contact. The last time he had emailed him was about a month or so ago. Nagisa told Rei to meet him in front of the convenience store in the morning instead of at the train stop so that they could have ice cream for breakfast. Rei argued that it wasn’t a healthy breakfast and that no one ate ice cream for breakfast in the first place. But in the end, he appeared the following day at the convenience store and had a milk popsicle for breakfast.

‘Where’s he going to college?’ Rei thought, his fingers still over the keypad of his phone. He considered texting Nagisa and asking him. But he knew that he wouldn’t do it anyway so he tucked the phone back into his pocket.

Just like before, he held himself back again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment/give kudos if you liked the chapter :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Nagisa finally say their goodbyes and something happens to Nagisa right after...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyway... A lot of you guys have been commenting about the angst so I decided to add even more angst!!! I know you guys love angst >:). I know some authors like telling their readers what kind of ending their fic is going to have but I won't since I just love keeping you guys in suspense. Anyway, hope you like this chapter~~

**Rei**

Rei couldn’t wait to get out of the stifling environment of the gym once the graduation ceremony ended. He wove past students, teachers, and parents, all congregating near the exit of the gym. His view was a montage of different faces: some crying, some laughing, some slightly stoic. Despite the fact that Rei had known most of those people during his three years of high school, he didn’t feel any sense of attachment towards them. It felt scary and only drove Rei to move faster as he escaped the crowd and headed up the stairs of the school building to the rooftop.

His head felt clearer from its earlier muddle of thoughts once he reached the top. It was the same rooftop where he would eat lunch with Nagisa and the previous Iwatobi Swim Club from last year. Whenever they ate there he’d always pick the spot closest to the railing where he could almost see the entire campus. This was where he was now, his arms crossed over the cool metal of the railing with his head leaning down slightly to observe the scene below him.

‘Everyone’s with someone…’ he thought sadly as he watched people leave the gym in groups. The students were either with their fellow students or with their family. Even the teachers left in groups of at least more than one. Rei couldn’t see how their faces looked like from his position but he could tell that they were probably relieved that the school year was already over. Before this, Rei had some thoughts on how his graduation day would probably go. He didn’t expect much to happen because his parent’s wouldn’t come. But he thought that at least Nagisa would be at his side when that day arrived. They’d exchange some kind of congratulations with Nagisa calling for some kind of celebration, probably at Sasabe-san’s house, with the rest of the swim team. Maybe the two of them would take a picture that Rei would keep with him as a memento before he left for the US. But Rei knew now that what he imagined was far from the reality of his situation.

‘Anything but this…’ he said to himself as he squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Please let it be anything but this…’ Rei knew that what he wanted couldn’t just magically come true. The thing that happened between him and Nagisa could never be undone. The things that he wanted to happen would never happen anymore. But he didn’t want it all to end this way. ‘At least give me a chance to say goodbye to him…’ And then, as if the Universe itself had heard his wish, the sound of footsteps broke the silence.

Rei instantly opened his eyes and turned around to see Nagisa standing before him. “Nagisa..?” he spoke, not quite believing at first that he was there right in front of him. But it was real and he was there and Rei was glad that something had gone right for once. He wanted to rush forward and wrap Nagisa in his arms and never let him go. He wanted to yell out all the things that was happening and how hard and painful the past few weeks had been without him. He wanted to smack Nagisa hard on the head and blame him for everything he was feeling. Rei stopped himself from doing all those things and he only hoped that his face would not betray the tidal wave of emotions he was feeling. But he couldn’t help but feel an intense pain in his chest. Pain from realizing that this was probably his last chance to talk to the one he loves and knowing that once he left for the US, the pain would become even more unbearable.

“S-sorry, Rei. I thought this place was empty. Well, I’ll be going now,” Nagisa said, rubbing the back of his head and smiling sheepishly. Rei could feel a tug in his chest once he saw that smile. The smile that he used whenever he knew he did something wrong which was always accompanied with a ‘Sorry, Rei-chan.’

“W-wait! Nagisa,” Rei called once Nagisa turned back to leave. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying ‘Please don’t go.’ He smiled softly at him as he stuffed his hands in his pocket. This moment with Nagisa was probably going to be his last and knowing that hurt Rei a lot. But in the end, he felt happy knowing that he was at least given this one chance. The words that he wanted to say condensed themselves into one four-word sentence that Rei knew that he just had to say.

“I was actually hoping to see you today. Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Rei asked.

“Rei…” Nagisa said softly.

‘This is it,’ Rei swallowed. He had to say it. He had to tell him now because he’ll never have the chance to tell the one person he loves that he loved him and he didn’t want such a precious secret to forever be forgotten. Rei knew now that time moved way too quickly and that the future comes by way too quickly and painfully. Someday, Nagisa would meet someone who would love him with all their heart and Nagisa would belong to that someone for the rest of his life. It hurt Rei to know that that someone wouldn’t be him but he also hoped that by saying those words, he’d at least have a small place in Nagisa’s heart and memory.

He clenched his fists and moved his gaze up to look at him feeling ready and determined to tell him once and for all. But once he saw the look on Nagisa’s face, all that determination fell away when he saw that Nagisa was barely holding himself together. His hands were shaking slightly at his sides which he tried to hide by clasping them together. His gaze was focused intently on the ground as he bit his lip. ‘This would break him…’ Rei thought as he loosened his clenched fists and hung his head down. ‘Telling him and leaving would be too cruel. Not telling him just hurts so much…’ Rei breathed out a sigh and smiled bitterly before straightening up. ‘But seeing him like this hurts even more.’

“Rei... I—“ Nagisa began but Rei abruptly cut him off.

“I’ve been accepted to Stanford University in America,” he said. Nagisa’s eyes widened at the news and Rei took it as a sign to continue on. “I took it, of course,” he continued, deciding to look away from Nagisa. “It would be a waste not to go after all.”

“Rei… that’s great… Congratulations,” Nagisa nodded. “You should definitely go,” he said, smiling brightly at him. Rei knew for sure that his smile was fake but this time, he didn’t blame him from trying to cover up how he was feeling. After all, he was doing that exact same thing as well.

“Thanks, Nagisa…” Rei said as he attempted to do a small smile. “My parents gave in the check for the tuition right away and even started looking for a place for me to stay,” he said, chuckling half-heartedly. “They want me to get going as soon as possible. ‘There’s nothing left for you here anyway…’ the said.”

‘Well, except for one thing…’ he added mentally as he hung his head and looked back down at the cemented roof of the school building. He knew that doing this, saying goodbye and leaving Nagisa with a lesser burden to bear, was for the best.

“Go for it, Rei!” Nagisa exclaimed. “You’ll do great in Stanford. People there are going to be as smart as you so you’ll make even more friends. And then you’ll graduate with honors and stuff like that and do whatever you want when you grow up.”

‘He’s encouraging me?’ Rei said to himself. Nagisa went on and on, providing Rei with even more encouragement and positive things. He knew that those words were filled with meaning but when they hit him, it felt hollow. Rei couldn’t help but notice how Nagisa seemed to look right through him instead of at him while he said those words. He could see the cracks beginning to show through the front that Nagisa was desperately trying to hold up.

‘Please… just stop it Nagisa. You’re hurting yourself,’ Rei thought sadly as one of his hands gripped the steel railing behind him. ‘Stop lying… Just tell me what’s going on with you…’ He wished that the words he formed in his mind would translate themselves into actions but nothing happened and Rei watched as Nagisa continued to destroy himself.

“Rei..?” Nagisa spoke up a few seconds after his speech when Rei didn’t reply.

“So it all comes down to this…” he replied through gritted teeth. His one last chance to see Nagisa ended up with him doing nothing. The two of them would go their separate ways with neither of them being able to fix the friendship they had held so dear. The only thing left that Rei could do was to say goodbye.

“I guess this is goodbye then…” he said softly, looking up to meet Nagisa’s eyes.

“Goodbye…” he said in reply. The word rang in Rei’s ears, dulling his thoughts from thinking of anything else except for the fact that he was going to lose Nagisa. He hardly paid attention as the two of them exchanged a few words and a parting handshake before Rei started walking to the door. He only realized that there were tears forming in his eyes once he reached the exit.

“Goodbye… Nagisa,” he said, turning around to have one last look at him. His messy, blonde hair waving across his face from the wind on the rooftop. His small, short frame standing still on the center of the floor. His large, magenta-colored eyes flashing at him from under his long bangs. ‘How beautiful…’ Rei thought.

“Goodbye… Rei,” Nagisa replied. Rei pulled his gaze away and began walking down the stairs, slowly at first but then he broke out into a run as he headed down the stairs. The tears which at first were contained in the corners of his eyes were now coursing down his cheeks and blurring his vision. He didn’t care if he slipped and fell down the stairs at the rate he was going. But luckily, he made it out of the building safely.

Once outside, he leaned his whole body against the wall of the school building. The tears flowed out continuously from his eyes and his shoulders shook violently as the sobs escaped from his chest. The least he could do was clasp a hand over his mouth to stop himself from being heard.

…

**Nagisa**

‘I wonder what Rei was thinking earlier, when he was looking down from the rooftop…’ Nagisa thought as he walked down the stairs of the school building. His movements were stiff and robotic, a sharp contrast from the muddle of emotions he was feeling at the moment. He realized that the twenty minutes his mother gave him were already up and she was probably wondering where he was. Nagisa didn’t want to deal with anything anymore. So once he exited the school building, he left the school grounds by himself.

It was only late noon and the sun was shining brightly in the sky. The buildings overhead cast shadows on the sidewalks and streets. The cherry blossom trees were in full bloom and the pink petals swayed in the light breeze. The sight of everything in front of him may have looked beautiful in anyone else’s eyes, but to Nagisa everything was dark and gray. He walked on and on, unsure of where exactly he was headed, until he reached a road intersection. The light shone green and Nagisa stopped at the edge of the sidewalk as he watched the cars zoom ahead.

‘I guess we never were meant to be,’ Nagisa thought. Even though they’ve been good friends for the past two years, Rei was always ahead of him. He had his life planned out in front of him and the skills to be able to chase after it. Nagisa had neither of those and did things on impulse. They were too different. Their paths were meant to cross but not head in the same direction. Nagisa should have realized this much sooner before he took the plunge.

‘And now it’s too late,’ he thought as he began crossing the road when the light turned red. But he had hoped for so long that the two of them would get together someday. If only he hadn’t, then maybe he wouldn’t be in such a mess right now. ‘It’s all my fault,’ Nagisa said to himself, stopping right in the middle of the road. ‘It’s all my fault…’

His last thought before the car hit him was of the letter hidden in his bookshelf.

…

**Rei**

His favorite mug was smashed to pieces. It was dark blue with three small, light blue butterflies painted on the side. Rei picked the pieces up and held them gingerly in his hands. He won the mug in the convenience store that he and Nagisa often went to. The popsicle that Rei was eating had said ‘You’re a Winner’ on the stick. Nagisa had one on his popsicle stick too. Nagisa received the butterfly mug as a prize and Rei received a mug that had a couple of cartoon penguins painted on. He remembered how Nagisa’s face lit up at the sight of the penguin mug so he decided to give it to him in exchange of the butterfly one. From that day on, Rei used the mug often whenever he made himself coffee or tea because he knew that Nagisa was probably using the penguin mug all the time as well.

‘I guess even this had to happen,’ Rei thought as he wrapped the pieces up in some newspaper. However, he didn’t have the heart to throw the smashed mug into the garbage can just yet. Instead, he decided to tuck them away into one of the cupboards in his kitchen.

One hour later, he received a message sent to him through Nagisa’s number. It was from his mother.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUCH ANGST. MWAHAHAHAHA


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei learns of the accident and decides to visit Nagisa in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOHHH!! I'M ON A ROLL YOU GUYS HERE'S A NEW CHAPTER.

**Rei**

A week had passed since the accident happened, when Rei received the text message that sent his world crashing and burning. The words _‘Your Nagisa’s friend right? This is his mother. Nagisa was in a car accident and now he’s in the hospital. I don’t have information on his condition right now but I will inform you when I know’_ were printed out on the small screen on his phone in neat, black letters. It felt disturbing that Rei would learn about his best friend’s accident in this way. A text message. It seemed too cold and too cruel.

It felt as if a rug was pulled out from underneath his feet, sending Rei sprawling on the floor. He knew a lot about accidents, he saw them often on the news in TV. Plane crashes. Earthquakes. Landslides. Bombings. Terrorist attacks. Rei knew that statistically, a lot of people died in those accidents. He knew that they could happen to anyone at any time. He just didn’t think that it would happen to Nagisa at this time.

Rei imagined him lying face-down on the cement road. Blood pooling around his sides, his limbs twisted at odd angles, a dead, blank look on his magenta eyes, his blonde hair sticky with blood. “No. No, don’t think about that!” Rei yelled. He got up from the floor and began to throw up his breakfast in the steel kitchen sink. His hands shook as he clutched the cold tiles of the kitchen counter. Rei closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. ‘It’s going to be alright,’ he reassured himself. ‘He survived the accident and now he’s in the hospital. They’re going to take care of him there.’

Rei took slow, deep breaths and splashed some cold water on his face. As he cleaned the droplets of water on his glasses, his eyes brushed past one of the kitchen cupboards. Inside were the smashed-up pieces of the mug he broke earlier that were still wrapped in newspaper. Rei felt the urge to punch a wall.

‘Even this had to happen…’

…

An update from Nagisa’s mother came in two hours later when Rei was lying on the couch, debating whether he should make himself dinner or not. The text message said _‘His condition has stabilized but he’s still asleep. There’s a chance he’ll wake up soon. I know Nagisa does not have too many friends but I know you’re also his closest friend. Please visit if you like.’_ Rei held the phone tightly in his fist, reading the text message again and again. Finally, he put it down and lay back down on the couch. “He’s okay…” he sighed with a smile on his face. “He’s okay.”

…

The next day, Nagisa’s mother texted him again. Her message was _‘Nagisa has woken up. You are allowed to visit him now._ ’ Rei felt a sigh of relief escape from his chest. He had stayed up all night, staring at the ceiling above his bed and the exhaustion finally settled on him. He figured that it was about time for him to send back a reply.

_‘That’s great. Thank you for notifying me. May I visit him later?’_ he asked back. A reply came within less than a minute.

_‘Of course. I’ll be there as well. There’s something I need to tell you in person before you see him,_ ’ she replied. Rei stood up from bed and walked to the kitchen to make himself a mug of coffee and some breakfast while typing out a reply.

_‘Sure. I’ll come by in the afternoon’_ he texted back. Rei filled up his electric kettle with water and began to heat it. Then he began to toast two slices of bread and then took a jar of strawberry jam from the cupboard. Once he finished preparing his breakfast, he sat down at the table and began to eat, realizing how hungry he actually was after not eating lunch or dinner the day before. Once he finished his two slices of bread, he began to toast two more.

“Nagisa’s okay,” he said to himself, smiling with relief. “Nagisa’s okay.”

…

After a short nap and a shower, Rei left his apartment and headed over to the train station that would take him to the hospital. While he sat in the train, he thought about what Nagisa’s reaction might be to his visit. ‘He might not want to see me…’ Rei realized as his mood fell slightly at the thought. After all, they had said their final goodbyes yesterday and Nagisa might not want to see Rei’s face again. But then again, Rei wasn’t sure how Nagisa felt about him leaving and the two of them parting ways. Worst case scenario would be Nagisa not wanting to speak to him and sending him away.

‘Or he could also be happy to see me,’ Rei thought, trying to stay positive. He decided that there was a fifty percent chance that Nagisa would be happy to see him along with a fifty percent chance that he wasn’t. But those percentages hardly mattered to Rei when Nagisa was reported to be alive and well. Even seeing a small glimpse of him would be enough for Rei to reassure himself that Nagisa was okay. But one nagging thought remained.

Nagisa had narrowly escaped death yesterday and the accident happened right after the two of them said their goodbyes. If Nagisa had died on that day, he would have died with his last memory being his final goodbye to his friend. Rei knew very well that he hadn’t fixed things with Nagisa, he still had no idea what he was trying to hide and what exactly was hurting him. If he died yesterday, Rei would have been left with the knowledge that he failed as a friend for not helping Nagisa during his final moments. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that happened. The accident felt like a wake-up call for Rei and this time, he was determined to help Nagisa. Because he knew that his time left in Japan before he moved to America was limited.

…

Once Rei reached the hospital, he headed over to the desk in the lobby. A lady with her hair pinned up tightly in a bun and wearing a white uniform was seated at the desk. She looked up when Rei approached and smiled, showing a perfect row of teeth. “Name, please?” she asked.

“Ryuugazaki Rei,” he answered. He noticed her eyebrows shoot up slightly at the sound of his girlish name.

“Are you seeing someone?” she asked.

“Yes. Um, Hazuki Nagisa? He was admitted here yesterday after a car accident,” Rei replied.

“Oh yes. She’s in the third floor, room 305,” the nurse answered. “The elevator’s to the left,” she said, smiling again.

“Thank you,” Rei nodded as he walked over to the elevators. Once he reached the third floor and stepped of the elevator he immediately ran into Nagisa’s mother. Rei only met her once when he came over to Nagisa’s house and he was struck by how much she looked just like her son. They were both short and they shared the same magenta eyes and facial structure. The only thing different in terms of appearance was the color of their hair. She was wearing a white blouse and a pair of jeans and her hair was tied in a messy bun.

“Ryuugazaki Rei, am I correct?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Yes Miss Hazuki,” Rei nodded. She pursed her lips and looked him directly in the eyes.

“Come with me,” she said and immediately began to walk over to one of the hallways with Rei following behind her.

“Is Nagisa alright?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yes. He’s fine, perfectly fine,” she nodded. “The doctor says that his vitals are good and that he could go home in a few days. It’s just that…” she sighed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Rei’s heart sank and he swallowed hard.

“What happened?” he asked. Miss Hazuki bit her bottom lip and seemed to avoid Rei’s gaze.

“Most of the damage is in head,” she breathed out. “At first it looked like he just got a simple concussion but when he woke up this morning he didn’t… recognize me…” she finished. Rei felt his right hand trembling at the sound of the news.

“You mean that he…”

“He doesn’t remember anything,” Miss Hazuki finished. “He still knows how to speak and write and some general knowledge. But his memories of being _Nagisa_ , they’re just… gone…”

_‘Gone.’_ The word rang in his ears. Rei felt his optimism from earlier spiral down the drain. Everything. All of it. All those memories from the past years were all gone. The Iwatobi Swim Club with Makoto, Haru, Rin , Izumi, and Yuu. Their other friends like Gou, Amakata-sensei, and Sasabe-san. Nagisa would no longer remember all those trips they took to the convenience store and every stupid idea that he dragged Rei into.

“I know that it’s very hard to bear,” Miss Hazuki said, placing a comforting hand on Rei’s arm. “When he woke up I was sitting there beside him and he just looked at me and said ‘Who are you?’” She blinked tears out of her eyes and bit her lip again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do… I was hoping that maybe he’d recognize you since he was close to you but….”

“He might not remember me either,” Rei finished.

“I’m very sorry. I know that this hard for you too. I’m sorry for making you come here, you can leave if you want…”

“It’s alright,” Rei brushed her off and tried to smile. “I mean, there should still be a bit of Nagisa left, right?”

“Yeah,” Miss Hazuki smiled sadly and nodded. “I guess we just have to hope, right?”

“Yes. I guess we do,” Rei said. But after everything he’d been through already, Rei found it hard to find hope. He followed silently behind Miss Hazuki as the two of them headed to the room where Nagisa was. Rei knew that nothing could ever mentally prepare him for what he was going to see. Seeing him on the roof yesterday when they said their goodbyes, just barely put together and already falling at the seams, had broken Rei’s heart. He believed that what he was going to see next would shatter it.

Miss Hazuki stopped in front of a white door with the number 305 printed on it in black. She turned around and nodded at Rei before opening it. Inside, Nagisa was sitting up on a hospital bed covered in white sheets. He was wearing a mint-green hospital gown and a white bandage was wrapped around his head of blonde hair. He was looking out the window when they entered but once he heard the sound of the door opening, he turned around.

“Hello Mother,” he said cheerily and flashed her a smile. Rei could see Miss Hazuki wince almost imperceptibly at the greeting. He didn’t blame her for doing so. The Nagisa in front of him was different from the Nagisa he saw yesterday, and the genuine smile he had on his face seemed even more fake.

“Hello Nagisa,” his mother returned the greeting. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?”

“Nope. I’m fine,” Nagisa shook his head. “I’m just a little hungry, that’s all. The nurse is getting me lunch.”

“That’s good,” his mother nodded and motioned for Rei to step in closer. Rei steeled himself and walked closer to the hospital bed. He could see Nagisa watching with wide, curious eyes and his head cocked to the side. He knew that the next few words that would come from his mouth would utterly destroy him and he closed his eyes as if bracing himself for the impact.

“Who are you?” Nagisa asked.

…

“Ryuugazaki Rei,” he answered, keeping his eyes everywhere except on Nagisa. He almost choked his name out.

“He’s your best friend from high school,” his mother introduced. “He came here to see you.”

“Really? Cool! Hi Rei!” Nagisa waved happily. “Wait, it’s okay for me to call you Rei? Or do I still call you Ryuugazaki?”

‘You used to call me Rei-chan,’ Rei thought but held himself back. He smiled weakly at Nagisa. “Just Rei is fine, actually.”

“Great! I’m glad you came, Rei. Sorry but I really can’t remember anything about you at all,” Nagisa smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. Rei winced slightly and he caught Miss Hazuki flash him a pitied glance before walking toward Nagisa.

“It’s alright if you don’t dear,” she said gently, patting him on the head with her hand. “We’ll help you out, one step at a time.”

“Well I really hope that I do,” Nagisa said. “It feels weird not having any memories.”

“The doctor says you can go home in two days. I’ll show you your room and maybe that’ll help you out a bit,” Miss Hazuki said. She turned around to look at Rei and motioned to a chair near Nagisa’s bed. “Please, sit down.”

“Yeah,” Rei nodded and took a seat.

“So, we’re best friends, right?” Nagisa asked, looking at Rei with wide eyes.

“Yes. It’s been two years since we met, actually,” he answered, trying to keep his tone as light as possible.

“That’s great!” Nagisa said happily. “I can ask you stuff. Oh, but I hope you don’t mind. I don’t want you to get annoyed with me.”

“No, it’s alright,” Rei shook his head. “Ask away.”

“When and where did we first meet?” he asked.

“Well…” Rei licked his lips and looked at the ceiling as he tried to recall their first meeting. “We were in a train, since we both take the train to school. You went up to me asked if I could join the swim club in school. I said no because I was already in the Track and Field Club. But you didn’t give up and eventually, I joined the club.”

“I was in a swim club?” Nagisa asked, surprised. “Was I any good?”

“You’re specialty was the breaststroke and yeah, I guess you were pretty good. Our team won Nationals twice.”

“Woah! That’s so cool!” Nagisa cheered. Rei smiled weakly at him as he talked to his mother excitedly about swimming and asking whether he could swim anytime soon to try it out. His mother put on a smile and nodded at the right places as her son continued to talk. They were interrupted by the nurse entering the room, carrying the tray of Nagisa’s lunch.

“Yes! Lunch! I’m starving,” he grinned once the tray was placed in front of him. He picked up his chopsticks, saying ‘Thank you for the food!’ before splitting them.

“I asked them to add some strawberry milk,” Miss Hazuki smiled, pointing to the small cup placed in a corner of the tray. “It’s your favorite.”

“Really? Thanks Mom!” he exclaimed before picking up the cup. After taking a sip, he made a face and set it back down on the tray.

“Is there something wrong?” his mother asked.

“Yeah, I don’t really like the taste…” Nagisa frowned. “I think I might like just plain milk, you know?”

“Ah, I see…” Miss Hazuki nodded and pursed her lips. “I’ll get you some plain milk next time, okay?” she said, putting a smile back on her face. Rei swallowed and looked down. ‘You always loved strawberry milk, Nagisa…’ he thought. When Rei looked back up he saw Nagisa eating his lunch with his back straight and chopsticks carefully picking up food and carrying it to his mouth. He even held his rice bowl at a distance from himself. The Nagisa that Rei knew would be quickly scooping rice in his mouth and talking while he chewed.

“Rei, is something wrong?” Nagisa asked, jolting Rei from his thoughts.

“Oh, uh no. I’m fine…” he stammered. “I just, need to go right now. I have things to do back home.”

“Okay. See you then. Thanks for visiting,” Nagisa smiled.

“I’ll walk you to the elevator,” Miss Hazuki offered.

“Thanks,” Rei nodded as he stood up and walked to the door. “Bye, Nagisa…”

“Bye Rei!” Nagisa waved.

…

“I saw how much you were struggling earlier,” Miss Hazuki said as soon as the door to the room was closed. “I’m sorry to put you through all that but thank you for doing as much as you could.”

“It’s alright,” Rei smiled sadly. “I was just a little taken aback, that’s all.”

“Rei… I-I’m sorry to ask this of you but, could you please spend more time with Nagisa?” she asked suddenly.

“M-me?” Rei stammered.

“Yes please.” Miss Hazuki looked up at Rei as she pleaded. “It pains me as a mother to say this but, the two of you are closer and you know more about Nagisa than I do. So please…” she stopped walking and bowed down low in front of Rei. “Please help me get my son back. I know it seems like he’s lost but I’m sure that he could go back to his old self, even if it’s just a little.”

Rei swallowed and clenched his fists at the sight of Nagisa’s mother bowed down in front of him. Here was someone who loved Nagisa deeply and would do anything for him. Rei knew that there was little to no hope of getting Nagisa to act the way he used to. Memories were something that didn’t just come back instantly once they were lost. But he couldn’t deny Miss Hazuki’s request either. ‘It’s something that Nagisa would have wanted me to do anyway…’ he thought.

“Alright,” Rei answered. Miss Hazuki quickly looked up in surprise.

“You mean you’ll…”

“Yes. I’ll help,” Rei said. “After all, we both care about Nagisa too.”

“Thank you Rei. Thank you…” Miss Hazuki smiled as tears streamed down her cheeks. Rei nodded and smiled as she shook his hand vigorously. He remembered how Nagisa’s face looked earlier when he drank the strawberry milk and how he ate his lunch. He knew that the next few weeks were going to be hard for him. ‘He looks just like Nagisa…’ Rei thought. ‘He talks like him too. But he’s not the Nagisa I know.’

It seemed worse than having Hazuki Nagisa die.

 

…

**Nagisa**

Nagisa kept on looking at the door even after his mother closed it on her way out.

“Ryuugazaki… Rei…” he mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I forgot to mention that this is the part when Nagisa loses his memories. The next chapters are going to be very painful for Rei...


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei visits Nagisa's house and Nagisa realizes something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Here's a new chapter! The word length is super short (I'm sorry) but the writer's block just came in. However, this fanfic is going to end pretty soon, maybe in the next 3-4 chapters or so. I promise the next one will have more words since we're going to be speeding things up a bit. Anyway, please enjoy~~!

**Rei**

Nagisa was admitted two days after Rei’s first visit to the hospital. His mother sent him a text informing of that and Rei found himself walking to Nagisa’s place for a visit. Rei considered stopping by a cake shop to get a strawberry shortcake for his visit but remembered that Nagisa probably wouldn’t like it like he used to so he settled for a plain chiffon cake instead.

It had been a while since Rei last visited Nagisa’s place since they usually hung out at Rei’s apartment. Nagisa’s father worked as a lawyer which explained his usual absence and the size of his house. It was quite large, for a family three, and built in a Western style. There was a large, empty garage at the side and a gate in front. Rei walked up to it and rang the doorbell.

“Oh Rei, it’s you,” Nagisa’s mother said, greeting him at the doorway.

“Did I come too early?” he asked, rubbing the back of his head.

“No, it’s alright. I’m glad you came,” she smiled, opening the gate to let him in.

“It’s no problem,” he smiled and held up the box he was carrying. “I brought some cake too.”

“Thank you. I’ll serve it for tea later. I’m sure Nagisa will love it.” Miss Hazuki gratefully took the cake from him as they walked into the house. Inside, it was as wide and spacious as Rei remembered it to be. The furniture looked brand-new and modern but unused as well. Miss Hazuki went into the kitchen to put the cake in the fridge.

“Nagisa’s in the living room watching TV,” she said. “He’s been doing that for quite some time, says he’s trying to learn more about what’s happening.”

“Right. I’ll join him then,” Rei nodded before heading over to the living room. Nagisa was seated on the large white couch placed in the middle with his knees pulled up to his chest. He wore a purple t-shirt and bright pink shorts and a white bandage was still wrapped around his head. When he heard Rei come in he looked up and smiled.

“Rei, you’re here!” he said happily.

“Yeah, your mom invited me to come visit you,” Rei said, sitting at a distance from Nagisa on the couch. The TV was showing an episode of Teen Titans which Rei knew Nagisa loved. He smiled slightly at this. “How have you been doing?” he asked.

“Well, I still get these really bad headaches every now and then but my mom helps me deal with them,” Nagisa shrugged. “One question though, was my room always that messy?” he asked, frowning slightly.

“Yes, yes it was,” Rei said. “There was one time though, when you cleaned it all up. You invited me over to your house to work on a project and decided to clean your room. You didn’t really clean up your mess exactly. More like stuffed all your things in a closet and called it a day.” Rei smiled to himself at the memory.

“I found out soon enough, though. Your closet looked like it was close to bursting and I curiously decided to open it. Geez, all the stuff that came out… I never thought that a single person could own so many stuffed animals,” he chuckled.

“Wow, I must have been such a mess,” Nagisa laughed, scratching the back of his head. “But at least I cleaned everything up once I got home. Now my room’s all neat!”

“So you did, huh?” Rei murmured, his laughter dying down. ‘Nagisa would never do that…’ he thought.

“Man, this show is pretty boring…” Nagisa yawned as he picked up the remote in his hands. Rei’s eyes drifted to the television wherein a fight scene between Raven and Terra was happening. He remembered the time when Nagisa unwillingly dragged him into an all-out Teen Titans marathon during winter break. Nagisa was uncontrollable bundle of energy when it came to marathons, often yelling and pointing at the screen whenever an awesome fight scene happened. The fight scene between Raven and Terra was his one of his favorites. Rei could barely remember that scene because he was too focused on Nagisa who was watching with his eyes wide with excitement. That excitement was gone now when Rei looked at him.

Nagisa switched the TV to a news channel. ‘He never watches the news,’ Rei thought.

 

…

 

**Nagisa**

An awkward silence upon them once Nagisa changed the channel. ‘Geez, he’s really not talkative is he?’ he thought, pouting slightly. ‘Isn’t he supposed to be my best friend or something?’ He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his chin on top of them. Once in a while, he would throw glances at Rei who watched TV with a stoic expression. ‘How was I friends with such a silent guy like him in the first place?’ he wondered.

Nagisa soon found himself staring at Rei instead of paying attention to the TV. He looked like one of those bookish, nerdy types with his red glasses and neat, dark blue hair. He was also wearing a white button-up shirt with short sleeves and dark blue shorts along with it. ‘I guess he is pretty attractive too though…’ Nagisa thought. ‘His eyes are really pretty and he even looks pretty athletic…’

‘Wait, what am I thinking?!?!’ he mentally yelled at himself as he abruptly turned to face the TV. ‘Stop staring at people, Nagisa! And he’s supposed to be your best friend, not your crush!’ He buried his face in his arms to hide the creeping blush on his face. ‘He’s definitely not my crush…’ he thought stubbornly as he tried to concentrate on watching TV. However, the news about the current state of the Japanese stock market failed to capture his interest as much as staring at Rei Ryuugazaki did.

Finally, Nagisa gave in and turned his head slightly to steal a quick glance back at him. But this time, he saw that Rei was no longer watching TV and was looking down at his hands instead. There was a sad, pained look in his eyes that made Nagisa suck in a small breath. ‘What happened to him?’ he wondered as he watched Rei stare at his hands. ‘What happened to him to create such a sad look in his eyes?’ He looked broken, as if one small push would make him cry instantly. And for some reason, it made Nagisa want to cry too.

His mother walked into the living room, interrupting Nagisa’s heavy thoughts. It seemed to snap Rei out of his daze too and Nagisa let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Would you two like some tea?” she asked, smiling kindly. “I sliced up the cake Rei brought too.” Nagisa watched Rei put on a smile on his face as he answered her.

“Yes, that would be nice,” he said.

‘Fake…’ Nagisa thought.

…

Nagisa soon found out that Rei was quite good at covering up his emotions. While they were eating cake and having tea, he managed to keep up a conversation with Nagisa’s mother and Nagisa as well. Maybe it was just him, but for some reason he found that the way Rei smiled and talked was mainly a cover-up for something else. Nagisa noticed how Rei would sometimes look down at the table or at his hands whenever his mother wasn’t looking. He would glance up at Nagisa sometimes, before quickly turning away or looking down.

‘Of course…’ he thought as he ate another forkful of cake. The fluffy cake and airy whipped cream weighed heavily on his tongue as he chewed slowly. ‘His best friend just lost all of his memories and can barely remember who he is. Who wouldn’t feel sad about that? It must be hard for him to have to go through all that.’

‘And yet he’s still here,’ Nagisa thought sadly as he looked up at Rei who was busy talking to his mother about something he saw recently on the news. If Nagisa was placed in the situation Rei was in right now, he probably wouldn’t have had the strength to deal with it. But Rei was _here,_ talking to his mother and eating cake with him, and smiling to let them know that he was okay with it. Suddenly, a dull pain throbbed through the back of Nagisa’s head. ‘Another headache…’ he winced. His mother seemed to take notice and she touched his shoulder gently.

“Are you okay, Nagisa?” she asked gently, her voice filled with concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he smiled, picking up his fork and taking another bite of cake. “It’s nothing much…”

“I can give you a few painkillers if you need them…”

“There’s no need to, I’m okay,” Nagisa said a few seconds before another wave of pain came, making him gasp slightly and grip the table. His head throbbed painfully now that he had to rest it against the tabletop.

“Miss Hazuki, where are the painkillers?” Rei asked, standing up quickly. Nagisa could feel his mother’s arms wrap around his shoulders.

“In the cupboard above the stove. Right there,” she instructed. Nagisa watched as Rei quickly open the cupboard and take a bottle of pills before pouring a glass of water. He crouched in front of Nagisa and took his hand in his to place the pills in his palm.

“Here, Nagisa. Hang in there,” Rei said with an edge of desperation in his voice. He raised his hand to his mouth and swallowed the pills before taking a few gulps of water. The aching in his head reduced to a dull throb before going away completely and Nagisa sighed with relief.

“Is it better? Are you okay now?” Rei asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Nagisa could clearly see the panic and concern in his eyes when he looked at him. He remembered how he wondered earlier back when they were seated on the couch, if Rei really was his friend. But now, Nagisa had no doubts about it.

“Nagisa, does it still hurt?” Rei asked gently. Nagisa swallowed and shook his head. ‘My pain must be nothing compared to yours…’ he thought. ‘And yet you’re still asking me if I’m in pain…’

“You’re crying Nagisa, does it still hurt?” his mother said as she stood up. “Do you need to lie down?”

‘I’m… crying?’ Nagisa thought. He reached a hand up to feel his cheeks and was surprised when he felt something watery on his fingers. ‘I guess I am…’

“No, it’s gone now,” he said. “I don’t know why I’m crying though…” he lied.

“That’s a relief…” Rei sighed and stood up. Nagisa’s eyes followed him as he brought the empty glass back to the sink. He felt more tears run down his cheeks and he lifted his hands to wipe them away.

‘It must have been nice…’ he thought sadly. ‘To have had such a strong person in my life.’

…

Rei left an hour after the incident and this time, Nagisa was the one who saw him out this time. He walked behind Rei as they headed for the gate and Nagisa couldn’t help but notice how broad his back and shoulders looked. He wondered if Rei was the type of person who was self-confident and walked with certainty in his steps. All of a sudden, he wanted to know even more about this person walking in front of him even more than he wanted to know about himself.

“Well, I’ll be going now. Thanks for inviting me over,” Rei said as he stood by the entrance of the gate. Nagisa nodded his head silently in response and gripped the hem of his t-shirt. He could see Rei look up at him and frown slightly.

“Is something wrong?” he asked. “Does your head hurt again?”

“No, it’s not that,” Nagisa smiled and shook his head. “Well, actually it is kind of that…” he said, laughing slightly.

“What is it then?” Rei asked.

“I wanted to thank you for earlier,” Nagisa finally said. “Acting quickly to get those painkillers and everything. It really helped me a lot.”

“Well, it’s no problem,” Rei smiled and shrugged slightly. “I’m just glad you’re okay now.”

“You know, even though I barely remember anything about my life, I think I can kind of understand why I became friends with you,” Nagisa smiled and looked down. “And even though I can’t remember everything that you might have done for me, I still want to thank you for everything.”

“Ah, i-is that so…” Rei stammered. “Well, I’m glad for that I guess.” Nagisa could see a faint blush on his cheeks. ‘So he’s the type to get embarrassed easily then,’ he thought.

“Thanks a lot for coming over,” Nagisa said.

“Yeah, I’ll be going then,” Rei bowed before walking out.

“See you, Rei-chan!” Nagisa waved from the gate. “Oh wait, sorry. I didn’t mean to get too familiar…” he blushed. Rei stared at him for a few seconds before breaking out into a smile.

“No, it’s alright. See you, Nagisa,” he waved before finally leaving.

 

…

 

**Rei**

‘See you, Rei-chan!’

Nagisa’s words echoed in his head while he walked home. Rei didn’t know how to feel about it. Hearing his nickname being called out again by Nagisa dug up memories that Rei wasn’t sure he wanted to remember. ‘Nagisa’s gone, okay?’ he said to himself. He tried to convince himself that what Nagisa did earlier was just an echo of an old habit that he used to do. It didn’t really mean anything. Rei clenched his fists and looked up at the dark sky.

‘If it really means nothing, then why do I feel so happy?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too angsty, right? :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei regrets his decision of going out with Nagisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooohhh so close to the ending!!! You can see that I already updated the number of chapters this fic was going to have in total and yesss, it will end soon. Thank you all for sticking to me this long, despite the intense angst, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

**Rei**

‘I must be some kind of masochist,’ Rei thought as he put on a clean shirt to wear over a pair of dark brown shorts. His phone was lying on the desk and Rei was tempted to send a message to Nagisa’s mother, denying her earlier request. Unfortunately, he already said yes to her request of spending a day out with Nagisa.

Even after visiting Nagisa a couple of times in his house afterwards, Rei still felt a bit uncomfortable being around him. There were times when he did or said something that was completely different from what the real Nagisa would do. There were also times when Rei would catch an echo of the old Nagisa, but then he would remind himself that it was only just that. Just an echo, it’s not like the real Nagisa could just come back with a snap of his fingers.

Nagisa asked him a lot of questions about his life. What did he like to do? Was he good at school? Did he think that this was better than that? Rei answered all of them, silently hoping that those questions wouldn’t touch up on something he didn’t want to be reminded of. Because in his mind, Rei was slowly burying memories of Nagisa that he no longer wanted to think about.

Rei sat down at his desk with his phone in his hand. He wasn’t ready. He knew he wasn’t ready for something like this. But every time he made a move to type a message to Miss Hazuki, the image of her bowing down in front of him and pleading for her son came up in his mind. Rei sighed and put the phone down. He already said yes to her request and he didn’t want to crush her hopes.

‘But are you really doing this for her or for yourself?’ a voice in his mind asked him. Despite his discomfort of being around an amnesiac Nagisa, there was a part of Rei that still enjoyed being in his company. That was the part of him that Rei couldn’t bury, the part that was still in love with Nagisa, the part that still hoped that he could come back. And Rei was scared that if he started hoping again, he’ll just be hurt in the end.

The doorbell to his apartment rang and Rei sat up in his seat. ‘One day,’ he reminded himself. ‘It’s just one day.’

…

“Hello, Rei!” Nagisa greeted him with a smile on his face as he stood in front of the door. He was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and white shorts. Rei noticed that the bandage on his head was gone now.

“Hey, come in,” Rei invited him in with a polite smile on his face. “Did you come here alone?”

“My mom drove me to your apartment,” Nagisa answered as he took of his shoes and walked inside the apartment. “Is it alright if she picks me up from here too?” he asked.

“Sure, it’s no problem,” Rei said. “Do you want anything to drink? Water? Tea?”

“I’ll have water, please,” Nagisa said, sitting down at the small dining table and looking around at his surroundings. “Have I been here before?”

“Yes, many times actually,” Rei nodded as he got a pitcher of water from the fridge. “You usually invite yourself over to my place to study or to just hang out.” He opened one of his cupboards to get two glasses and set them on the table with the pitcher of water.

“I see…” Nagisa said. “Hey, what’s that in your cupboard?” he asked, standing up to take a look.

“Huh?” Rei turned around to see what Nagisa was looking at. It was the smashed up mug that was still wrapped up in its newspaper. Rei felt something in his chest tighten.

“Oh that…” he said, smiling grimly. “It’s a mug that I accidentally broke.”

“It must be a very special mug,” Nagisa mused. “For you to still keep the pieces.”

“Yeah, it is,” Rei said, reaching up to take the newspaper bundle. He peeled it open slightly and showed the broken pieces to Nagisa.

“Ah, I can see why you wanted to keep it.” He lifted a piece that still had a painted butterfly on it to look at it carefully. “It’s a really pretty mug.”

“It was a mug you gave me, traded with me to be exact,” he suddenly blurted out. Nagisa put the piece down and looked up at him curiously, waiting for him to continue. And before he could stop himself, Rei told him the story.

“We used to go to the convenience store a lot to get ice cream after school,” he said. “Once, we both won a prize and when we showed our popsicle sticks to the cashier, he gave us two mugs. Mine was this penguin mug and you got this mug. I saw that you really liked the penguin mug so I traded it with you for this one.” Rei looked down at the bundle in his hands and smiled at the memory. He carefully wrapped it back up and placed it in the cupboard.

“You mean _that_ penguin mug?” Nagisa asked. “The one with the really cute face on it?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“That’s my favorite one,” Nagisa laughed. “My mom told me that I used it all the time and when I saw how cute it was, I could see why I liked it so much. Now it looks like there’s another reason why I liked it,” he said, smiling up at Rei.

“Good, it’s nice to see that there are few things you remember,” Rei said, swallowing and taking a step back from Nagisa. He knew that the back of his neck and his cheeks were slightly red and hoped that Nagisa wouldn’t notice it so much. But hearing those words from him somehow made him unbelievably happy. He walked over to the table and began pouring water into their glasses to distract himself a bit.

“Oh yeah, is there a specific place that you wanted to go to?” he asked, putting the pitcher of water back in the fridge. Nagisa took a long drink from his glass before answering.

“Yup!” he smiled.

…

One bus ride later, the two of them ended up in front of a large, silver building that had the words ‘Aquarium City’ printed on the side in big, blue letters. It was farther away from where he lived and closer to the city and the bus ride was quite long as well. Rei brought a book with him which he ended up not reading because of all the questions Nagisa was asking him. It reminded him of the train rides to and from school that he and Nagisa would take every day. The memory was bittersweet, but Rei still found himself enjoying the bus ride with Nagisa.

“Aquarium City?” Rei said aloud.

“Yeah, my mom told me that she used to take me here when I was little. I thought that it might help me remember something,” Nagisa nodded as he began to walk towards the building. “Also, I heard that this place is pretty fun. Have you been here before?”

“No, not really,” Rei shook his head. “I’ve been to an aquarium before on a school field trip but it wasn’t that special.”

“Then let’s make this the best aquarium experience ever!” Nagisa grinned as they walked through the doors. “For the two of us, I mean.” The two of them headed to the ticket desk to get their tickets to go inside. ‘Now that I remember it,’ Rei thought as the two of them entered the aquarium. ‘I would have liked to take Nagisa out on an aquarium date, if I ever asked him out.’

“Look, starfish!” Nagisa exclaimed as he pointed at a shallow, open tank that allowed visitors to pet things like small crabs and starfish. The two of them walked towards it and Nagisa put his hands in to gently stroke a large, blue starfish. “Woah… it feels really weird…” he said. “Try it Rei.”

“No, that’s pretty gross,” Rei said, standing beside Nagisa. “Your hands are going to smell like starfish later.”

“Fine, suit yourself Rei,” Nagisa said, shaking his head. Rei watched him as he continued to explore the shallow tank, gently touching the top of a hermit crabs shell. Nagisa had a wide smile on his face as his eyes shone with excitement. Rei stood to the side and smiled at him, he hadn’t seen that smile in such a long time and a few weeks ago, he was scared that he might not see it again.

‘This is just how I imagined our date would go,’ Rei thought. Nagisa excitedly looking at different fish tanks and maybe even pressing his face against the glass while Rei stood to the side, watching him and his enthusiasm for fish.

“Ohhh… Let’s check out that area next!” Nagisa exclaimed, pointing a wet finger towards a dimly lit hallway that led to some area in the building. “I think there are some jellyfish there.” He wiped his wet hands on the bottom of his shirt and began to walk towards the hallway.

“Great, now your shirt smells like starfish,” Rei pointed out as he followed behind Nagisa who already had his face and hands pressed against one of the tanks. Rei felt himself pause slightly as he looked at him. It felt as if the Universe was punishing him for making him go to an aquarium with an amnesiac Nagisa.

Or it was giving him a second chance.

 

…

 

**Nagisa**

Unlike the past few weeks, Nagisa felt that Rei was more responsive now as they walked through the aquarium together. His smiles and the way he talked to him felt more natural and somehow, genuine. It helped ease Nagisa’s mood as he found himself slipping easily into a conversation with Rei. ‘I wonder if we used to talk like this before,’ he thought. Rei’s story about the mug came into his mind as he walked and looked at the different tanks in the aquarium. ‘So we used to get ice cream a lot in the convenience store, huh?’ he thought, smiling to himself. They must have done even more things together like going to swimming training camps or studying together or just walking around and talking.

‘If only I didn’t lose all those memories…’ Nagisa thought sadly. He even wondered why he was hit by a car in the first place and what he was doing at that moment. He considered asking Rei if he knew anything about it but he figured that it might be too delicate of a subject.

Despite the fact that Rei seemed to be enjoying himself, there were times when Nagisa would catch him looking sad again. Usually, he would be staring at Nagisa and whenever he looked up to meet his gaze, Rei would immediately look away.

‘This must be hurting him too…’ Nagisa thought sadly and suddenly, he felt the urge to leave right away. But the sadness in Rei’s eyes didn’t seem to be caused by just that, Nagisa felt that there was something more hurting him. And he felt as if it was somehow his fault.

…

“Are you done looking around already?” Rei asked once Nagisa told him that he wanted to leave already.

“Yeah,” he nodded and put on a fake smile. “It’s getting pretty late and my mom’s been texting me already.”

“Alright then,” Rei nodded as the two of them began to walk towards the exit. “Did you have fun here?”

“Mhmmm… I really like the aquariums here, especially the starfish pool,” Nagisa answered. “But it didn’t really help me remember stuff.” Once they reached the exit and stepped outside, they were greeted with stormy gray clouds and heavy rain.

“I didn’t think it would rain today,” Rei said as he looked up at the sky. “I should have listened to the weather report though. I could have brought an umbrella just in case.”

“I guess we have no choice then…” Nagisa sighed. He mustered up his most serious stare and looked at Rei directly in the eyes. “We’ll have to run.”

“Wait wha—“

“Run!” Nagisa yelled, immediately grabbing Rei’s hand and running towards the nearest covered area he could find which happened to be the bus stop. Once they ducked under the roof, Nagisa let go of his hand and bent over slightly to catch his breath.

“You know we could have just _asked_ the guard for an umbrella. He seemed more than willing to help us out,” Rei said.

“How… are you not… out of breath?” Nagisa asked.

“I go jogging,” Rei shrugged. “But that’s not the point here. We could have just borrowed an umbrella you know. Now we’re all wet.” It was true. Even though they were only running in the rain for a few seconds, they were still drenched from head to foot. Nagisa held his stomach and laughed.

“Why are you laughing? You know, the bus driver might not even let us in the bus if we’re so wet,” Rei huffed.

“You’re just funny when you sound angry Rei, do I tease you a lot?” Nagisa asked once he stopped himself from laughing.

“Yes, you do that quite a lot.”

“Sorry, sorry. Running was just the only solution I could think of quickly at the moment.”

“Great, now my glasses are all wet,” Rei complained. He took his glasses off and began to rub them against the hem of his t-shirt.

“Here, let me do it. I have a handkerchief here with me,” Nagisa offered, plucking the red glasses from Rei’s hand. He took his handkerchief out and began to carefully wipe the droplets of rainwater from the glass lenses.

“There, good as new,” Nagisa smiled. He stepped closer towards Rei and gently slid his glasses back on. Rei blinked once, twice, before looking down at Nagisa.

“Does it work?” he asked.

“Yeah, it does,” Rei nodded. “Thank you…” Nagisa finally noticed how close their faces were and how Rei had to bend down slightly when he looked at him because of their height difference. ‘Rei’s eyes look really pretty from here…’ Nagisa thought as he gazed up at them. He didn’t know how long they’ve been standing like that until Rei swallowed and backed away a step.

“Looks like the bus isn’t here yet…” he said as he stared out into the rain.

“Yeah…” Nagisa said disappointedly. ‘He’s doing that face again,’ he thought as he looked at Rei who was staring sadly into the distance. ‘It really does seem like I’ve done something wrong to him,’ he said to himself as he clenched his fists beside him. ‘But I’m the only one who can fix it.’

“Rei…” Nagisa spoke up.

“Yeah?” Rei answered, still staring at the rain.

“Have I… done something wrong to you?” he asked slowly. “Did I do something bad?”

“What makes you say that?” Rei asked, this time turning to look at him.

“It’s because sometimes you get that this really sad look in your eyes, when you think nobody’s watching,” Nagisa said softly. “You think nobody else notices it but I do. And… I usually see it whenever you’re around me…”

“Nagisa…”

“Please don’t lie to me,” Nagisa begged, his fingers gripped the damp sleeve of Rei’s shirt. “I want to know. I want to fix it. So please tell me…”

“Nagisa,” Rei said gently, removing Nagisa’s fingers from his shirt. He looked up at Rei and saw a gentle smile on his face. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

‘Why, Rei..?’ Nagisa thought, looking down at the cold, wet pavement under him.

“Look, the bus is here. We better get inside,” Rei said as soon as the bus pulled over right in front of the stop. Nagisa didn’t say anything, only giving a slight nod as he followed Rei inside.

‘Why would you lie to me?’

…

The whole bus ride home was silent and awkward. Rei had a book with him to read while Nagisa was left to dwell in his own thoughts. His mind full of questions he did not dare ask. The rain finally stopped just when the bus turned towards the stop near Rei’s apartment and the two of them got down. Nagisa spotted his mother’s car parked right in front of the building and he let out a sigh of relief. At least he didn’t have to go back into Rei’s apartment where the awkwardness would still be present.

“My mom’s here so I guess I have to leave now,” Nagisa said as the two of them stopped in front of the apartment.

“Yeah, thanks for today. It was pretty fun,” Rei nodded. “See you, Nagisa.”

“See you, Rei,” Nagisa waved and headed towards his car without looking back. His mother looked up at him with a smile on her face which later turned into shock when she saw the state of his wet clothes.

“You were caught up in the rain, weren’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah, we didn’t have an umbrella on us,” Nagisa smiled sheepishly as he put his seatbelt on.

“You’ll catch a cold, you know?” she sighed with an exasperated smile on her face as she started to drive. “Did you have fun today?” Nagisa felt himself freeze up at the question before turning to his mother with a fake smile on his face.

“Yeah, I think Rei really enjoyed himself today too,” he lied.

“That’s… good,” she nodded and pursed her lips. Nagisa leaned back into his seat and looked out the window as she tried. The two of them were silent for a moment and Nagisa wondered if his mother could detect that he was lying. ‘She is my mother after all,’ he thought. Finally, she spoke up.

“You know that you were hit by a car on the day of your graduation, right?” she said aloud.

“Um, yeah…” Nagisa said, slightly surprised by her sudden question.

“On that day, I was the one who drove you to school to attend your ceremony since your father couldn’t make it. Like always,” she said under her breath. “I could sense that something was troubling you on that day because of how silent you were.” She looked over at him with a knowing glance. “Just like how you are now.” Nagisa pursed his lips and sighed.

“You caught me…” he said, laughing slightly.

“Is it something about Rei?” his mother asked.

“How did you know?” Nagisa frowned.

“Well, that was also your issue on that day. When I asked you about you said that you had a fight with one of your friends, I’m assuming that it was Rei, and that you hadn’t made up with him about it,” she said.

“I see…” Nagisa nodded.

“After the ceremony I gave you some time to talk to him about it and maybe make up with him and everything. I think I gave you about twenty minutes to do that and when you didn’t come back, I decided to look for you. And then I heard about the accident…” she said in a much quieter voice.

“So that’s it then,” Nagisa said, thinking aloud. “That must be the reason.”

“The reason for what?” his mother asked, frowning slightly. Their house came into view and his mother drove the car into the garage.

“Sorry, I’ll tell you later. I need to figure something out first,” Nagisa said quickly and got out of the car as soon as the engine switched off. He went into his house and headed for the stairs, taking them two at a time up to his room. Nagisa began to desperately search the area, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to find but something that might give him a clue as to what happened between him and Rei.

“Did I at least keep a diary or something?” he muttered to himself as he searched the bookshelf above his desk. He was moving some books around when suddenly, a white envelope fell out and landed on his desk. Nagisa stopped what he was doing and carefully picked up the envelope in his hands, turning it over to find the name ‘Sakusa College’ printed neatly in the back corner. It was the college he applied to and was accepted in, according to his mother. The envelope was no longer sealed and Nagisa could see a piece of folded up pad paper inside. With shaking hands, he took the letter from inside and unfolded it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned to find out the contents of the letter! I know it's a cliffhanger but I feel like this is the right time to add one.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa finally reads the contents of his letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is THE final chapter (not final final. there's still an epilogue, don't worry). All the built-up angst will finally end and it's actually shorter than I expected it to be. So, I hope you guys like how it ended, please let me know in the comments what you thought. And read the epilogue too :D

**Nagisa**

_I hope that this letter never reaches you. If I decided to throw this letter away it means that I’ve finally let go of you. But if you’re reading this now then maybe I should have found a better place to hide this._

_Earlier today, I received a letter from Sakusa College saying that I’ve been accepted there. In a few months, I’ll be attending some class there with a bunch of different new people. You’ll probably be off somewhere in a super elite college with other new people as well. I should be happy knowing that this is happening to you but I’m not. I’m selfish Rei, and I’m in love with you._

_But I’m giving up on that love because I know that there is so much more out there for you. We may be friends but we’re too different from each other. That’s why I never thought of confessing to you. I’m sorry if I hurt you on that day, but it’s better that we just stayed as friends and nothing more._

_Remember when I asked you that question about parallel universes in the train and when you told me stuff about alternate universes that might exist outside ours? That kind of made me hope that maybe in a different universe, you and I are together. There’s probably a one in a million chance, right? That thought make me a little bit happier._

_I really hope that you won’t get this letter, Rei. Because I’ll probably still be in love with you by then. I know there won’t be another person like you. Losing you does hurt, but it’s better than not knowing you at all._

…

“Rei…” Nagisa breathed out, looking up slowly from the letter he was reading in his hands. “I’m in love with Rei…” Suddenly, everything else made sense. The ‘fight’ that occurred between him and Rei before graduation. The reason why Rei looked so sad whenever he was around him as if he was guilty about something. Maybe even the reason why he was hit by a car in the first place. But most of all, it explained why Nagisa still felt some sort of connection to Rei, why he felt his own heart beat faster whenever he was around him for no apparent reason, why holding his hand when they were running to the bus stop in the rain felt familiar and comforting.

Nagisa felt himself sink to the floor as he cried tears of relief. “Rei… I was in love with Rei…” he sobbed, clutching the letter tightly in his hands. “And there’s no denying that I still am.”

…

Nagisa didn’t waste one more second. After changing out of his wet clothes into some cleaner ones, he folded the letter back in its envelope and placed it carefully back in his pocket. He remembered where Rei’s apartment was from when his mother drove him earlier that day. Knowing that she probably wouldn’t let him go alone, he decided to leave the house as quietly as possible to avoid telling her. But as he tiptoed carefully down the stairs, he heard voices coming from the kitchen.

“Is he here right now, Kiyoko?” said a gruff male voice. Nagisa frowned at the tone of it, wondering who it belonged to and why he was addressing his mother in such a manner.

“Yes but he’s resting in his room. Please don’t bother him yet…” came the sound of his mother’s voice as she pleaded with the other person who Nagisa guessed was his father. He never saw his father in the hospital nor at home and his mother told him that he was just on a business trip somewhere out of the country. After hearing that, Nagisa decided that his father may probably not be a very ‘fatherly’ figure.

“I’ll wake him up then,” his father said and the sound of heavy footsteps came, heading towards the stairs. Nagisa stood frozen, unsure of whether he should confront his father or go back to his room. By the time he decided on going back to his room, his father appeared at the bottom of the steps.

“He’s awake after all,” he said, his eyes surveying Nagisa from head to toe. He felt like squirming under his harsh gaze but forced himself to stand still instead. His father was probably only a few inches taller than his mother and he wore a suit and tie. His eyes were dark blue and his hair was a light shade of brown. ‘I definitely look more like my mother,’ Nagisa thought.

“I-It’s nice to meet you sir,” Nagisa swallowed before bowing deeply in front of him. His mother came up beside his father and stood timidly to the side.

“Tell me Kiyoko, why is he still here?” his father frowned, his hard gaze now turning to look at his mother.

“He’s our _son_ Hiro. Of course he’s still here,” his mother said. She sounded as if she couldn’t believe what her husband had just said.

“How can you call him our son?” his father spat. The words hit Nagisa in the gut like a bullet. “There’s nothing left in his head, isn’t there?”

“He’s still learning,” his mother pleaded. “He may not remember everything but he’s still Nagisa. He’s still our child.”

“No, here’s what you should have done,” his father hissed, moving his face closer to his mother’s. Nagisa felt his hands clench into fists as he took a step down the stairs, ready to strike at the man who he no longer wanted to call ‘father.’

“You should have left that… _person,_ ” he said, stabbing a finger in Nagisa’s direction. “You should have dropped him off in a mental hospital or something while you still had the chance.”

“How can you say that?!” his mother shrieked, slapping a hand across her husband’s face.

“Mom!” Nagisa rushed over to his mother’s side. Her husband had a hand pressed to his face as he glared menacingly at the two of them, but his mother refused to stand down.

“I don’t care if he lost his memories,” she said. “I don’t care if he’s different than he was before. He’s still the child that I watched grow up with my own eyes. I know I haven’t been the best mother recently. I haven’t been placing close attention to Nagisa’s problems when I’m supposed to be his mother. But now I have a second chance, and I’ll be an idiot to not take that chance.”

“You’re full of shit, you know that?” her husband spat, shaking his head. “But if you’re so hell-bent on raising him then do it yourself. I’m leaving you two.”

“Go ahead. It’s not like you’re ever here anyway,” his mother sneered. His father shook his head at them again before picking up his briefcase and heading to the door.

“I want your things out of the house by tomorrow,” his mother called after him before he slammed the door shut.

…

“Here, Mom,” Nagisa said, carefully setting a steaming cup of tea in front of her. “Be careful, it’s still hot.”

“Thanks Nagisa…” she replied, smiling at him before running a hand through her hair.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she nodded. “But just a little tired from earlier. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” She blew gently on the steam from the mug before taking a sip.

“Was he really always like that?” Nagisa asked, looking down at his mug full of milk in his hands. It was the penguin mug and his fingers ran over the painted design on the side of the mug.

“Yeah…” his mother sighed. “But my parents wanted me for him because he was so rich and successful. He was sort of nice before but he paid more attention to his work than his family. Unfortunately, I did the same thing. I’m really no better than he is.”

“No you’re not,” Nagisa shook his head. “You defended me from him.”

“I did…” His mother pursed her lips and held one of Nagisa’s hand in hers. “But I meant what I said. All of it. I never thought about leaving you.”

“Mom…” Nagisa felt his voice break as tears came out of his eyes. His mother started crying too as she pulled her son into a hug. Nagisa held her tightly, letting his tears flow out freely this time. His mother smelled a lot like cinnamon and green tea and Nagisa wondered how often he hugged her like this.

“Please forgive me for neglecting you all this time. I just wish I could take back all the time I wasted not being with you. I don’t blame you if you used to hate me for it. I’m sorry…” she sobbed.

“Mom, it’s okay…” Nagisa shook his head. “I’m sure I never hated you. And even though I barely remember you, I’m glad that you’re my mother.”

“Thank you, Nagisa,” she said, pulling away from the hug to wipe her eyes. “I promise I’ll do better, okay?”

“You’re doing just fine Mom,” Nagisa grinned.

“Well the first thing I’m going to do if that Hiro doesn’t come back is to burn all his things in one big bonfire,” she muttered.

“I’ll roast marshmallows while doing that,” Nagisa laughed.

“And we can invite Rei too,” his mother added. Suddenly Nagisa realized something.

“Oh shoot, Rei!” he exclaimed, standing up in his seat. “I was supposed to tell him something.”

“Did you finally figure out what you wanted to figure out?”

“Yeah, but I need to tell him as soon as possible,” Nagisa said, patting the letter in his pocket. His mother gulped down her tea and stood up.

“Get in the car, I’ll drive.”

“Thanks mom,” Nagisa grinned.

…

“Rei? Are you there?” Nagisa asked, knocking on the door of Rei’s apartment. He tried twisting the doorknob and the door swung inwards. ‘Huh?’ Nagisa thought, ‘Maybe he’s inside.’ He walked in, removing his shoes at the shoe rack near the wall before walking into the kitchen. “Rei?” he asked again but the apartment was completely silent.

‘Did he forget to lock the door?’ Nagisa wondered as he turned on the lights in the kitchen. ‘Well, at least I’ve got time to work on this before he comes,’ he shrugged, smiling to himself. He opened one of the kitchen cupboards and took out the newspaper bundle of mug pieces. He set it down gently on the kitchen table, took out the tube of super glue from his pocket, and began to work.

 

…

 

**Rei**

Rei opened his umbrella as soon as he stepped out of the grocery store carrying two bags of groceries with him. The rain from earlier was still pouring down and this time, Rei decided to bring an umbrella with him when he went out. His apartment was only a few blocks away and he walked quickly under the rain to reach it.

‘Crap, did I remember to lock my house?’ Rei wondered, reaching for the keys in his pocket. The door was definitely unlocked and Rei sighed as he opened it.

“Rei! You’re here!”

‘What?’ Rei frowned in confusion once he looked up to see Nagisa seated at the kitchen table.

“Your door was unlocked so I let myself in,” he said, standing up from his seat.

“You let yourself in?” Rei echoed, placing his groceries on the table. ‘That explains everything.’

“Uh yeah… Sorry,” Nagisa smiled sheepishly. “I just really, _really_ needed to tell you something.”

“Is it important enough for you to come inside my unlocked apartment instead of calling me instead?” Rei asked.

“Yes, so please listen.” Rei frowned and stopped what he was doing once he detected the seriousness in Nagisa’s tone. His friend was gripping a white envelope in his hands and nervously biting his lip.

“I found this in my room,” Nagisa explained, looking down at the envelope. “It was written by me, before the accident, and… it’s addressed to you but I never gave it. I don’t think I even planned to give it.”

Rei looked down at the letter in Nagisa’s hands. He could see the name ‘Sakusa College’ printed on a corner of the envelope. ‘Is that where Nagisa was admitted?’ he thought while waiting for him to continue.

“I read it earlier because I was looking for some kind of clue as to what happened to us,” Nagisa continued. “Mom told me that we used to be really good friends before and I had the feeling that we were. But something happened between us, right?”

“You don’t… It’s not…” Rei stammered, searching for the right words to say.

“Don’t lie to me Rei!” Nagisa pleaded. “I know something happened between us, I can see it! You don’t know it but I’ve always, always noticed how sad you were whenever you’re around me. And I know that it’s not just because I lost my memories.” Rei looked away and clenched his fists to stop them from shaking while Nagisa continued.

“And whatever it is that I did, I’m sorry Rei,” he apologized as his voice began to shake. “I’m sorry for hurting you and I just want to fix it. I want to fix everything between us because I… I love you Rei… I love you.”

“Nagisa…” Rei breathed out as he turned to look at Nagisa who had now collapsed into sobs. All he could hear were those four words. I love you.

“It’s all in here,” he said, offering the letter to Rei. “It says that I loved you even before the accident happened and I don’t know if it has an effect on me loving you now. I’m not the same person I once was and all I know is that I still love you.”

Rei looked down at the letter that Nagisa held out to him. His fingers began to open the envelope when suddenly, they stopped. He closed the envelope and placed it on the table. Nagisa looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Aren’t you going to read it?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” Rei shook his head. “You know, right now I think I believe that the Universe does pay attention sometimes to our problems. On the day of the accident, it gave me a chance to fix things with you and make everything better. But I didn’t take that chance and I almost lost you.”

Rei moved his head closer towards Nagisa and cupped his face in his hands. He stared up at him with surprise in his eyes. Rei smiled down at him, knowing that this was the moment for him to stop holding back on what he wanted to do.

“Now that I’m getting another chance, I’m not going to lose it ever again. I love you too, Nagisa.” Rei then bent down and kissed Nagisa on the lips. He felt him gasp slightly in surprise and then Nagisa’s arms wrapped themselves around his neck, pulling him closer. Rei dreamed about kissing Nagisa for the longest time and now that he was finally doing it, he realized that it was exactly how he imagined it. Only ten times better.

“Rei…” Nagisa said softly once they finally pulled apart for air. Rei lifted a hand to comb his fingers through Nagisa’s hair, another thing that he had been dying to do.

“I have a surprise for you,” Nagisa grinned, pulling away from him.

“A surprise?” Rei echoed, missing the sudden lack of warmth when Nagisa moved away from him.

“Yup!” Nagisa opened the cupboard, reaching into it and then pulling out Rei’s butterfly mug. It was no longer a bunch of smashed pieces wrapped in newspaper but a whole mug put together.

“You fixed it…” Rei felt himself smile as he took the mug from Nagisa, turning it over in his hands.

“Yeah, I brought some superglue with me and everything. But I don’t know if it can still liquid though…” Nagisa said. Rei held the mug delicately in his hands as his eyes roamed the different cracks in its surface. ‘It’s like me and Nagisa,’ he thought. Rei knew that he wasn’t the same as before because of his lack of memories but he was still Nagisa, and Rei still loved him. The two of them may have been broken once and nothing would ever be the same between them. But what was broken could still be fixed, they just needed a little glue.

“Do you like it?” Nagisa asked hesitantly. Rei looked up at him and smiled, knowing that it was all going to be okay now. They’ve been through a lot and despite everything, they still ended up together.

“I do, Nagisa,” he replied. “Thank you.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa and his mother bring Rei to the airport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER OMFG!
> 
> So I hope you guys liked the chapter before this. I know there's so much angst and everything but hey, at least they get their happy ending. Also, thank you so much for reading this fic. It's the first one I've actually finished and posted online. I'm just so glad that people liked this.

**Nagisa**

“Mom, I think you made the wrong turn.”

“No I didn’t Nagisa. This is the way to the airport. I’ve done this before, don’t worry.”

“But it’s been thirty minutes already. We were supposed to be there twenty minutes ago. You’ll make Rei-chan miss his flight.”

“I know what I’m doing, this is the way to the airport.”

“Great, we’re stuck in traffic. You should have used the shortcut earlier,” Nagisa groaned.

“It’s only going to be for a little while. We’re still a bit early,” his mother argued. She turned around and smiled at Rei who was sitting in the backseat with all of his luggage. “Don’t worry Rei. We’ll be there in no time. Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m fine thank you,” Rei shook his head, smiling politely.

“She said that five minutes ago,” Nagisa whispered, leaning closer to Rei from the front seat.

“I heard that,” his mother said, as she drove past a traffic light. In a few minutes, they were parked in front of the airport and Nagisa felt a twinge of annoyance at the fact that his mother was right. Rei opened the back door and got out of the car.

“Is this really all you’re bringing?” Nagisa’s mother asked as Rei hefted a large suitcase full of nothing but clothes and a few books out of the backseat. Nagisa shut the door behind him and stood beside his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I don’t really keep a lot of stuff,” Rei explained.

“Are you sure you didn’t forget anything? If you did we can just mail it to you,” she said.

“Thanks, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got everything with me,” Rei smiled.

“Alright then,” Nagisa’s mother smiled and pulled Rei in for a hug. Ever since Nagisa and Rei started dating last month, she always invited him over for dinner or tea in their house which Rei always accepted. Nagisa was happy to know that his mother saw Rei as part of their family.

“Contact us if you need help, okay? And if you visit Japan and need a place to stay, our house is always welcome,” she added, pulling away from the hug.

“Thank you, Kiyoko-san.” Nagisa’s mother had asked him to call her by her first name instead of ‘Miss Hazuki,’ especially after her husband left them. “Thanks for bringing me over to the airport and everything,” Rei smiled.

“Well, I’ll be in the car. You two say your goodbyes,” she said before making her way to the car, leaving Nagisa and Rei alone.

“Send me an email once you get there, alright?” Nagisa reminded him. “And I know you’ll be busy with work there and everything so just one video chat on Skype a week will do. Of course you can still email me in your free time and—“

“Alright, alright. I’ll remember,” Rei chuckled, putting a hand on Nagisa’s shoulder and kissing him on the forehead. “I’ll miss you a lot, though…”

“I know…” Nagisa sighed. “It isn’t easy to maintain a long-distance relationship too.”

“After all we’ve been through, I’m sure we’ll do fine,” Rei reassured him. “And I’ll come over during winter break and summer break too.”

“And I’ll be keeping myself busy too,” Nagisa grinned. He decided to attend college in Sakusa University and enroll in a Liberal Arts program. But he also decided to take a culinary arts class outside of college after recently discovering that he wanted to try it out.

“Right, and before you know it, it will be winter break already,” Rei said.

“Yeah,” Nagisa nodded. He stood on his tiptoes and kissed Rei, running his fingers through his hair. Rei pulled Nagisa closer to him and bent his head down to deepen the kiss. Once they parted, Rei pressed his lips to his forehead again.

“I’ll miss you, Nagisa…” he mumbled.

“Me too. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, okay? And don’t stress out too much,” Nagisa reminded him again.

“I should be worrying about you too. Don’t overexert yourself or anything,” Rei frowned.

“I won’t,” Nagisa bit his lip. “You’re flight’s going to arrive soon. You better get inside already.”

“Yeah…” Rei sighed, moving away from Nagisa and taking the handle of his suitcase. “Well, I guess this is it.”

“Have a safe trip,” Nagisa smiled, pressing one final kiss on Rei’s lips.

“I’ll be seeing you soon,” Rei said, returning the smile. He let go of Nagisa’s hand and walked through the doors of the airport. Nagisa watched him leave for a little bit before going back to the car where his mother waited for him. He put on his seat belt and let out a sigh as he leaned back in his seat. His mother reached over and squeezed his hand.

“I miss him too,” she said.

“I know. But we’ll be fine. I know we will,” Nagisa nodded, smiling reassuringly at his mother. As they drove away, Nagisa found himself staring at the sky. He and Rei have been through a lot together, but that was only the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks! Thanks so much for making it to the end~~!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment/give feedback. Kudos are much appreciated too~


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